OVERTHINKING.........part 1
"Why are we here?.....Have we forgotten already?.....I look meticulously at my shot.....and wonder about the neon lights, and my smokey eyes tonight. It's another 2AM and i'm drunk again.....with something heavy on my mind. I glance at the bar.......and i see Pablo, Edgar, and William.....all drowning in their drinks.....drowsy....sleepy.....The world ever crawling slower. I call up to the bartender.....and I ask him for another drink. I plead him sweetly to make it stronger......because i really don't need to think. And with that last round, I can make my way home. As heavy as my head was....my chest seems to weigh heavier. My life.......A dancing page of newspaper......Caught in a devil whirlwind........being pushed in every direction. In this dimly lit.....and elegantly furnaced cavern......I find temporary respite from all my demons.
I close my eyes and bang my head......and when I look up, she's suddenly there again. Beside me. Drinking............drinking a glass of what passes for a ladies drink these days. Her lips.....beautiful.....pinkish red.......wrap around the round bed of a bar glass. I looked at her again......For the infinite time......Her eyes beam through me. Their round.......Fascinating....ever quiching and ever blinking...... I swear an oath to them each time. Her hair......God, that hair!......spread all over her face. It's the fondest thing i have ever seen in my life. This woman is amazing. But the best thing about her..........(besides the fact that she's funny and understands everything.....even korean).........is her smile. A compassionate smile. From the first day i saw that smile.........I lost myself. I lost my legs. I crumbled to the ground. My reigning empire....gone.....in seconds,.....a shift in her grin has ruined me. I tell myself.......I cannot fall. I cannot surrender. I would never do well in such open quarters. That i am vulnerable......and would easily be taken for granted. That I would clumsily lead any hope to doom. But with enough inspiration........I foolishly gather myself. I call onto the different aspects of my life to give me strength and courage to face my fear. I take the deepest breath i have ever taken.......shakingly, I lift myself up........and I stop breathing....and with painful sincerity.........With a bold and brave resolve......I proclaim myself.
I tell her i love her...
With so much excitement......in the bashing moment........ I blink.......idiot!!! She's gone. I wipe my smokey eyes out,........look around,....... and shake my head.....It's true!....she was never there.....just a "figament" of my imagination. An alcoholic mirage for a few seconds. It's true!.......I am officially insane. Crazy drunk. Fat loser. Stubborn idiot. Delirious lover. I let out a small sigh.....And then I start to remember......."Why am i here?"......(nodding).....I haven't forgotten. I am here because I wasn't that strong. I couldn't find a way to make it work. Because I failed that 'smile'.......and now, I'm haunted by it. I look around,....and all I see are neon lights, gorgeous women......sexy flirtets.......wild lingerie......intoxicated comrades.......jack walker.........and my friendly bartender. Sinking yet another one, I plead the old bastard for another drink......and i impose upon him to make it strong.............because i really don't want to think......."
After 48 hours of sleepless work.....a strenous work out...... and a plate of lasagna with 6 bottles of beer......I mindlessly wrote for 4 hours with 500 Dave Matthew Band "Grace is Gone" music in the background. I have written something worth 2 days of thought, a week of wondering, a month of life, and years of preparation. This kinda work does not come easy nor cheap. But I could almost swear it failed to describe how i truly felt.
I close my eyes and bang my head......and when I look up, she's suddenly there again. Beside me. Drinking............drinking a glass of what passes for a ladies drink these days. Her lips.....beautiful.....pinkish red.......wrap around the round bed of a bar glass. I looked at her again......For the infinite time......Her eyes beam through me. Their round.......Fascinating....ever quiching and ever blinking...... I swear an oath to them each time. Her hair......God, that hair!......spread all over her face. It's the fondest thing i have ever seen in my life. This woman is amazing. But the best thing about her..........(besides the fact that she's funny and understands everything.....even korean).........is her smile. A compassionate smile. From the first day i saw that smile.........I lost myself. I lost my legs. I crumbled to the ground. My reigning empire....gone.....in seconds,.....a shift in her grin has ruined me. I tell myself.......I cannot fall. I cannot surrender. I would never do well in such open quarters. That i am vulnerable......and would easily be taken for granted. That I would clumsily lead any hope to doom. But with enough inspiration........I foolishly gather myself. I call onto the different aspects of my life to give me strength and courage to face my fear. I take the deepest breath i have ever taken.......shakingly, I lift myself up........and I stop breathing....and with painful sincerity.........With a bold and brave resolve......I proclaim myself.
I tell her i love her...
With so much excitement......in the bashing moment........ I blink.......idiot!!! She's gone. I wipe my smokey eyes out,........look around,....... and shake my head.....It's true!....she was never there.....just a "figament" of my imagination. An alcoholic mirage for a few seconds. It's true!.......I am officially insane. Crazy drunk. Fat loser. Stubborn idiot. Delirious lover. I let out a small sigh.....And then I start to remember......."Why am i here?"......(nodding).....I haven't forgotten. I am here because I wasn't that strong. I couldn't find a way to make it work. Because I failed that 'smile'.......and now, I'm haunted by it. I look around,....and all I see are neon lights, gorgeous women......sexy flirtets.......wild lingerie......intoxicated comrades.......jack walker.........and my friendly bartender. Sinking yet another one, I plead the old bastard for another drink......and i impose upon him to make it strong.............because i really don't want to think......."
After 48 hours of sleepless work.....a strenous work out...... and a plate of lasagna with 6 bottles of beer......I mindlessly wrote for 4 hours with 500 Dave Matthew Band "Grace is Gone" music in the background. I have written something worth 2 days of thought, a week of wondering, a month of life, and years of preparation. This kinda work does not come easy nor cheap. But I could almost swear it failed to describe how i truly felt.