Only in Dreams....
Imagine a little boy, whose heart begins to burst out of his chest......Several years before all my education ever happened, I was this clumsy little geek who loves comics and made a buncha friends. It was a very confusing time for me. Trying to define what was cool and what was apparently not. Grown-ups called it "the impressionable age". I called it "What the F@@K?!".
I grew up with 3 brothers and attended a famous catholic school exclusively for the male species. From the first grade....until I finished puberty. It was fun though and for some reason i was friends with everybody. Until now, I havent unraveled that mystery. I use to know what to say and when to say it. It was a gift I think. For some reason though, whenever i talked with girls...i lose myself. I suddenly dont know what planet i am from. I get sweaty, my hands are faucets...and my heart....oh my heart...just beats away like a big giant drum.
The words dont come easy. It never did. I did not have a lot of money back then. No car, no fashion sense....and certainly did not know how to tango. All I had was my dreams, good humor, and the blessed people around me. God I miss that feeling. It seems I felt so unimpressive those days....looking back though...I would love to be back to the clueless little kid who thought girls where angels from pluto. I did not know why, i just knew they were special. I miss being all nervous around someone. I use to play this weezer song "only in dreams" when i went to bed. It was on repeat, a million times, everytime i slumbered.
Trying to work up the courage to ask for a number or to call someone. Like a giant kryptonite, I would fall ill...my laugh chokes me...and i have to follow through like it was all natural. I had a script to the next few words i was going to say. I was innocent, I think. I had no claims. I had nothing impressive...yet....I miss it....Being all clumsy. I have all this confidence...but i dont think its real. I think it is a mask we wear to tell ourselves we are achievers. That we have grown up. Because that is what people want. Honesty and sincerity...that was me back then. My epiphany now, is I defined those words when i was young. I never wanted to compete with anyone and show how bigger my TV was. I just wanted to be me. To clumsily ask a girl out. To read my adventure graphic novels. To come up with a thousand ideas a day. To dig deep to my pockets just to afford a date. to break out my coin bank and feel momentarily like a man.
What brings us to this weird and vent-ful blog. I dont have a clue. For the first time in years...I heard that song again. For the first time in years...I felt soo clumsy again. My heart just bursting in the seams and i dont know what to do. Its all memories but its all heavenly of course. So I just crank up the song again, place it in repeat,...and just enjoy the sweet scent of uncertainty, disdain, and awe....It is the only thing that makes me feel alive. I certainly dont know if anyone knows what that means anymore.....
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