a life less ordinary

Dear Jack......Part 1

2009-04-21T11:30:00.005+08:00

"Dear Jack.......How have you been? Its been quite sometime since we've spoken. I miss you....a lot. There is so much I want to tell you son....so little time life gives us. I do not know when I will see you again, or if I will ever get the chance to sit you down. As you know, I am 80 in July. I never wanted to reach 80. Accidentally, God forgot my time was up years ago.

Things have been slipping away in my mind. My memories of people are slipping. I hate that. It feels like life is cheating me out of my personal belongings. My knees and back, seems very tired. I think I pushed them too much.

I guess I just wanted to write you in case anything happens. I screwed up....a lot in this life. I missed opportunities and left a lot of good people. I failed some of my patients. And no matter what I did, I can only seem to remember the people that I failed. I do not know why I deserved to live this long. Maybe it is penance. God, my lungs feels like a husk.

I know your having a hard time now, with Ellen and the girls. You are lucky you know....you found her. I should know, I found my true love after all the things that I had done. All that masks and socially accepted crap. How she got away, was my fault entirely. I let her get away. I took my chances for granted. You know why, because I was dumb. Then again, I had a vision originally....an elaborate plan. I wanted to do things in this life. Most importantly, she wouldn't have understood. But I loved her so much. Remember when I told you about a life of meaning, or a life of happiness? I made a choice son, I chose meaning. Of course I regretted it a lot. I lived a hard and painful life. Don't think I would trade it for anything else though. I wish I could have lived both lives but it don't work that way.

Quite an adventure though. Sigh....Wish you could have met the people I met. They were the best. Nothing beats the feeling of making a change in your patient's life. In the end though, no one will remember. Not the people you stake your life for, not the people you helped by being the bad guy. Not even the angels and devils whispering, with all their twisted little wars. I don't think I will remember it all either. But you move on and choose to do it because you believe in helping others make it through the day. You believe you can make people's lives better. Maybe because you foolishly think you can defy fate....and the laws of gravity does not apply to you. Whatever the case, you do what you have to.....for the good of the patient.

I just want you to be happy son. I've seen you grow up with Ellen, and I know you got it right the first time. Don't let it go. That don't happen a lot. Dont be dumb. Don't be stupid. Take a chance. Forget the details and just make a move. Do not worry about the audience, just shout your love for her. In the end, I am at your side. No one understands this like we do.

I wish you were here. It gets kinda lonely. I also wish I had one last day of adventure....maybe with you. I never wanted to retire. Never wanted the money. I just wanted the adventure. Lastly, I wish I get some fried chicken later....I miss my KFCs....

Until next week. Same as last week. Go get 'em....

Sincerely..........."

The Sleep Of Reason........

2009-04-19T04:57:00.004+08:00

"It starts with her name....she walks into the room like an actress enters onto a stage. Automatically, you already loss that battle. Her smell mixes salt with a hint of excitement. Her hand, captures your heart even before you can speak. You beat faster.....she beats there with you. You maintain your breathe and look as calmly as you possibly can. She looks at you....and you can never look back....I have heard this stories before. The sleep of reason, they call it.....An undeniable death of right or wrong.

How does the world work? How do we end up where we are? How do we grasp the concept of being beyond our control? Where do we begin? And where do we end?

Asking the wrong questions, we stumble clumsily over the answers. We forget ourselves.....We are but an audience trapped in our own masks. Saying the wrong things....doing what we would normally not do....Our precision, gone....Our decisions, makeshift.....Our identity, deluded....

We walk miserably in the rain...wanting to speak....wanting to be free. We tempt fate to face us. We dare destiny to change. We implore will to hope....and we ask fear to go away.

I almost wrote her my final letter tonight...It said, "dear dreaming celestial.....I'm afraid. Very afraid. Just when I think it is all going to get easier, I close my eyes.....and I see you in my arms again. Its, as if a hole rips open in the center of my chest. Making it hard for me to breathe. After a few months, life goes along. Work happens.....and it starts to close up again. I feel moved on....and then suddenly....someone has a laugh that sounds like you.....or a scent that smells like you....or a hazy image that looks like you.....and it tears that hole back wide open again....."

But I placed my pen down and stop.

We drown our hopes and flood our ignorance. We burn our sincerities to the ground. We deny ourselves of company and we protect ourselves from feeling hurt....from feeling alive. Someone once told me, that "Life was not about peace, Death is about peace.....Life is about racing feeling". This is our greatest dishonor. This is our constant burden. Left by the world that has already turned, This is why our reason sleeps."

A Little Story........Part 4

2009-04-10T00:33:00.000+08:00

As I woke up, I saw her again…..her eyes were filled with pity…her confusion was set to be my confusion. Dazed…Something about her…seems so erased…."small details"…seemed blurry….As if she was so far away…distant….I can’t seem to remember her anymore. The world trickles…fading in and out. Like the softest breeze, she gently parts the silence, with her morning lips, she gently makes me feel human… "What are you afraid of ?…."

People like to indirectly ask me that sometimes…but never her. When they do ask, they have this knowing grin on their faces…As if they expect me to have an answer. I humor them most of the time because that’s what they want me to say. "I am not afraid of anything", or "I know what I am doing". From college to medical school, to all sorts of trivials and challenges…I was just like you, going through the motions. Facing one big bang to another. In the end, the trick was to make your mind believe that the next step is to go through the next motion…and the next….and the next. That stopping was forbidden. That moving, made a difference. Then again either way was always better than either way. It meant that there was a point where any decision can not be anymore right than the next. Where a choice can never be more wrong than the next. That going through a path is better than trying to choose which path to take.

I don’t know why she came to me tonight. I thought no one understood me. She makes me feel like I am wrong at times. I guess it is true what they say. "The path that ghosts follow are written on the land in old words". They do not take planes…or trains…or drive in interstate highways to spain. They just simply walk. Is that what she is? Sometimes it seems that I am looking through her eyes…Sometimes it seems, she maybe looks through mine. Maybe we just make it up as we go along.

Away from the people I love, Apart from the work I am so passionate about,..Without meaning and almost empty of options… I stare at her…all night…and I wonder, "Where do we go from here?…."

Only in Dreams....

2009-02-27T15:06:00.007+08:00

Imagine a little boy, whose heart begins to burst out of his chest......Several years before all my education ever happened, I was this clumsy little geek who loves comics and made a buncha friends. It was a very confusing time for me. Trying to define what was cool and what was apparently not. Grown-ups called it "the impressionable age". I called it "What the F@@K?!".

I grew up with 3 brothers and attended a famous catholic school exclusively for the male species. From the first grade....until I finished puberty. It was fun though and for some reason i was friends with everybody. Until now, I havent unraveled that mystery. I use to know what to say and when to say it. It was a gift I think. For some reason though, whenever i talked with girls...i lose myself. I suddenly dont know what planet i am from. I get sweaty, my hands are faucets...and my heart....oh my heart...just beats away like a big giant drum.

The words dont come easy. It never did. I did not have a lot of money back then. No car, no fashion sense....and certainly did not know how to tango. All I had was my dreams, good humor, and the blessed people around me. God I miss that feeling. It seems I felt so unimpressive those days....looking back though...I would love to be back to the clueless little kid who thought girls where angels from pluto. I did not know why, i just knew they were special. I miss being all nervous around someone. I use to play this weezer song "only in dreams" when i went to bed. It was on repeat, a million times, everytime i slumbered.

Trying to work up the courage to ask for a number or to call someone. Like a giant kryptonite, I would fall ill...my laugh chokes me...and i have to follow through like it was all natural. I had a script to the next few words i was going to say. I was innocent, I think. I had no claims. I had nothing impressive...yet....I miss it....Being all clumsy. I have all this confidence...but i dont think its real. I think it is a mask we wear to tell ourselves we are achievers. That we have grown up. Because that is what people want. Honesty and sincerity...that was me back then. My epiphany now, is I defined those words when i was young. I never wanted to compete with anyone and show how bigger my TV was. I just wanted to be me. To clumsily ask a girl out. To read my adventure graphic novels. To come up with a thousand ideas a day. To dig deep to my pockets just to afford a date. to break out my coin bank and feel momentarily like a man.

What brings us to this weird and vent-ful blog. I dont have a clue. For the first time in years...I heard that song again. For the first time in years...I felt soo clumsy again. My heart just bursting in the seams and i dont know what to do. Its all memories but its all heavenly of course. So I just crank up the song again, place it in repeat,...and just enjoy the sweet scent of uncertainty, disdain, and awe....It is the only thing that makes me feel alive. I certainly dont know if anyone knows what that means anymore.....

MY STEP SCORE IS HERE...BUT I CAN't OPEN IT Yet!!!

2008-02-13T19:00:00.000+08:00

It's here....my score...the great debacle that might help me get back on track. I know time is of the essence...getting this score out there asap is top priority....They will be deliberating...And they wait for no one....Assuming there are still slots....I just can't open it yet...I got a day of work ahead....I am too chicken right now to face it(Thats right, I said chicken)....and this can either make or break me...so I will wait until the day's end....when everyone have gone home...and no one can hear me scream...It's funny...My heart can't stop laughing... Inhale... Exhale... This is it for me... Moment of Truth... Enter Drama...

The Secret.........Part 1

2007-07-05T22:43:00.000+08:00

Your name is John...and you deliver babies. You secretly hold your breath each time you grasp their tiny little heads…you hold your breath secretly...each time until they move about and cry. You hold your breath each time you carry their soft slippery gooey bodies across the room. You secretly hold your breath on a lot of stuff and pretty much get away with it.

You have been working in the same hospital…with the same people for an unknown period of time. You do not care. For a time, nothing meant anything anymore You do not care. It just started not to matter for a really long time. You are disgusted by the outside world as much as the people that you help. Full of desperate and needy people…the only difference is…people outside hide them better. There is no place for you out there. Except beside the warm body that cuddles you at night after a long shift is over.

Its madness really. But you do not care. You like it that way. So it was the same when she was born. She was a slimy 6.6lbs…with a physiologic physique. A baby. You held your breath just the same. You waited for the cry…and carried her body across the room just the same. It was 2am…and you really wanted to sneak sleep for a few minutes. Sleeping helps pass the time. Makes things go faster. She was suppose to sleep after you did your thing. But irritatingly, she didn’t. She opened her eyes and you were alarmed by something unusual. At first your senses were dazed. At first you held your breath again. She had the most beautiful eyes you have ever seen in this life. She started to smile…and for some unknown reason, looked around, as if curious of the rotting walls of the room…she said “hello”. You look around, but most of the staff were on their own sneaky corners…sleeping for a sneaky 5-10mins before another one gets delivered. You looked at her, wearily almost jumpy…and said to yourself…I am in trouble. The little baby asked, “why is that?”. You replied, “I think I just lost my mind. Would you help me find it?” The baby laughed. How can a baby laugh? You ask yourself. She laughed and giggled to your sarcastic little remarks. You indulged her a bit…talked a bit. Sometimes, insanity is an entertaining thing you tell yourself. I will take a pill for it later. Anyway, you both go on and on about what the world is like. You, of course talked about what mattered to you. Music books, hospital drama. And then she stops and asked, “You don’t look happy?” “Are you kidding? I am happy, I like what I am doing, better to let the world rot while we constantly try to clean up the mess” “Your funny” she says. Tired and bored with the direction of the story I tell her to sleep, like the rest of the babies beside her. She says, “I will in a minute but I wanted to ask you why you like being unhappy? Why is misery so attractive to you” I tell her its not. That I wanted to help people, there was nothing I wanted to do rather than this. Life is full of pain and misery…I just learned to accept it and live with it. She looked at me angrily with her big brown eyes and said, “Are you on crack? I did not get born just to enjoy misery” You then argue “…then you should not have gone and be born…this world...this life...its all about that little good thing preceeded by a ridiculously huge amount of bad things. It is pain that tucks you in bed almost every night…It is pain that helps us wake up and move forward” She begins to cry…and then...you suddenly feel like the biggest idiot.

You vigorously apologize to her and say that there are small things that do make it worthwhile for you. One of which was seeing someone as beautiful as her. For the rest of your life, people you meet along the way shall never see the beauty that you saw that night…in that filthy little place. You tell her you felt sorry for the rest of the world. She begins to sob slowly and then stops crying altogether. She says “John, I think your beautiful too. I am mystified by you…I am curious, elated, and very excited to hear your stories. I think your beautiful and a good enough reason to live. I am in awe and can never imagine meeting anyone like you”. Then it comes…That sudden chill from your spine…the dumbest, simplest, warmnest feeling in your heart. You fear feeling warm…you hate feeling anything…You are mortified by the truth. You feel your iron walls melting like butter. You began to realize this baby does not know how much she has suddenly made you feel…vulnerable again. You begin to hate her because you suddenly feel happy with her. And that is that. She smiles for a long time…you take a picture together…A look in her eyes says she is happy…and there is no place she would rather be at this time than be with you. She falls asleep moments after. You close your eyes a bit and everything was back to normal. Your eyes were a few seconds away from shedding a tear. You never were comfortable having tears…You almost forgot how salty they can be. Then suddenly you hear shouting and the clanking metal rolling towards the delivery room. Your eyes open, you put on your mask…and automatically move in gear towards the incoming patient…secretly holding your breath. Still with the same passion…still with the same resolve…Secretly an inch happier. Sneakingly holding on to a tad more hope...

Small Talk....Part 1

2007-04-21T14:30:00.000+08:00

I heard something today... from a show I have constantly admired...which sounded really good at the time and made perfect sense with my mood...I hope you dont mind me sharing it...Seeing as it is my blog. People will need to choose their paths. This is very important so please listen closely.

There comes a time where a man has to choose between a life of happiness...or a life of meaning. Now, people think that they can have both...I certainly try like most young people do...but there is no such thing. They are but two different worlds. Like you, I shift myself between them, trying to wed them both. But to be truly happy...a man has to live absolutely in the present...no thought of whats gone before and no thought of what lies ahead. Buddha, I guess. A life of meaning...means to be damned to wallow in the past...and to be constantly obsses with the future.

I think lately I have been trying to have both too hard. Where as it is, I already made my choice a long time ago. Regret is such a bittersweet thing. That is why we have to try to minimize it. Being young as I am, I can't help it. Mistakes were always meant to happen. I would dive in every single time, knowing the risks of making mistakes, just to make them. The strong can only grow through adversity. And without it, i would be a safe young man back home, who would never have known and never have appreciated what a man of strength,...a man of meaning,...and a man of happiness...truly means.

The Silence of Jabe...

2007-04-03T10:11:00.000+08:00

Imagine you can never speak.....Not a single sound.......Not a hymm, not a yawn...not a single word. Ever. Then Imagine you are given one chance to speak,...What would you say?

Imagine a life so mudane and hopeless...Where everything else is constant...That death would be such a sweet release...Imagine people lining up to jump off that ledge...What would you say?

Imagine the people you love...suffering and in pain...trusting you and your finite wisdom...Hoping you can help take back their lives...Imagine that you are lost...and uncertain of what to do...What would you say?

Imagine you are faced with our Creator...the vastness of His power...the insignificance of you...centered to His attention...Imagine he takes a good long look inside you...What would you say?

Imagine you fell asleep...Reason be damned, you see her again in front of you. Imagine their is nothing else left in this life but to be true...No masks, No circumstances,...and no roles to play...Imagine you were given a chance to whisper...What would you say?

Imagine the swaying of a tree...the flow of a river that would not move an inch...Imagine that world would completely stop, standstill, and listen to you...Imagine the silence that would break on the very next sound you make...What would you say?

A Good Year?

2007-03-05T12:18:00.000+08:00

The last time Russel Crowe and Ridley SCott did a movie......it stuck with me forever. I remember being in my tiny little room....minutes before and after my exams and I would chant to the grand lines of "Gladiator". The first time I saw that movie was with my best friend Tony. Before then, I never heard of the film, except when tony mentioned he wanted to see it before I got back to my med dormitory. What I saw was an inspiring film that moved me and inspired me for years.

My point being.....I have been plagued with problems for the past 2 weeks....and one after another....nothing seems to work out. Today, I rented out their newest collaboration...."A Good Year", a independent small film they made on the side. I had some instant dinner with some Mint chocolate cookies ice cream....and watched. It is a simple fun film with an all too familiar theme...done extraordinarily well. It was funny and quite related, I guess, to where I am now. Not in France mind you, but amidst a personal crisis. I wish I can say more about the film but I rather leave you to enjoy it. Bottomline....all that I do now...all of this...is for some grand plan I always had. Nothing is worth doing if it were all too easy. Come what may, I can never quit. It would leave too many what ifs....and Id still would like to look at myself in the morning. I rather fail than not try at all. Guess that is the stubborness of my bloodline. A fine new shelf,...mint choco cookie ice cream,.... and a good movie later....I'm ready to see if I can keep my job from the jaws of peril....and juggle my studies all at the same time this week...

My Own Civil War...

2007-01-20T20:59:00.000+08:00

"I'm supposed to be able to do anything with this life......Anything I ever imagined. Save the world?...I've done that...more than once...and more than one life. Not to brag or anything, but I have saved and helped countless of needy lives...their eyes are the only thanks I ever needed. So why can't I save my own life? Why is nothing clear or simple anymore?

The hardest thing I had too do in this life was to give up. I never gave up on med or in anything...when the going got tough...I just went head on...foolishly understanding every intricacy of the big picture, while blindly walking further and further down a path of being someone I am not. I thought it would be so brilliant, yet so naive. Did I really think I had the guts to make these moves without personal costs? Without doing evil to myself and others? I know what needs to be done...I know what it will cost me...am I really ready to make that sacrifice? Will people truly understand what I had to give up when I make that choice?

I want to come home to her...so bad. I need that closure. With her...I dont think I will ever have it. Even by some miracle if I get to see her again...I dont think I will ever feel better with this path we have chosen. It may just make things worse. I looked for her last night...under blankets and sheets...and in my dreams...I saw her leave me. I lost someone very important last night...I lost so much already...gave up so much for my dreams...and I came here...in this beautiful place...to find a better meaning for myself. Maybe life will give me a closure someday...A friend told me I would not find it externally...the closure I needed...she was so, so right. She told me that whenever she has a feeling...like the feeling I was having now...and it's doing her little good...and she decided she dosen't like it anymore...If she thought she was done with it...She lets it go. I should just let it go...dreams, memories, and my old life. I need to let myself go. My name is John Benedict Abano...and I am alone. I chose to be alone. I have to be stronger...I have to keep an open mind. It is not easy for us I guess. I would love to just call it a day, go back home, and sit in a room...with a diet rum coke on the rocks...my beautiful girl, and just smoke ourselves to death. Those demons poke at me every single second of every single day. But I believe in this project...I believe the man behind it...I believe on the beauty of North Carolina...and most importantly, I believed in my dreams...and I need to see this through.

SEASON CHANGING.......

2006-12-21T22:00:00.000+08:00

I think I am still asleep.......I don't know whats happening in my life anymore. It's like your there....but actually your not. Things have gotten out of hand. One spiral shift to another. Yesterday, I had another nervous breakdown. I guess the reason was that the person I valued more than life, wasn't there. Part of me feels that she fell out of love....that all this was just static attachments. I really don't know. She was different....and I just kept on falling without her to catch me.

An amazing thing happened after though....My friend tony called. We havent really been so close since college....sorta drifted apart. He started talking about reasons of life.....being a man....and taking that chances....and seeing them through. In a time where the people at work, home,...the people I used to work with....and the single most important person in my life...were telling me to go home.....He gave me a little inspiration to stay awhile....to fight some more...to show my balls in the game. I felt inspired a bit again. After that I recieved emails from dozens of PGH people, my good old dentist friend, and some old people I have in the past attached myself with. Like a hymm they sang and cheered for me. In a season where everyone is busy...they gave me life. To think I didn't really have time for them.

After doing my laundry( do clothes that shrank before, can shrink again?! my clothes are getting smaller and smaller...and smaller..), I succumb to my blankets and sheets. I dreamt I was in Galera again. Funny thing is everytime I go to galera, something good happens. I never felt lonely. Its not the best beach really, but each time proved worth the trip. I guess it holds good karma for me. I dreamt this beautiful lady was singing and everyone was looking at her...but she only had eyes for....SHE ONLY HAD EYES AND THAT SMILE FOR ME...Its a dream really. But I felt wonderful again...like the world couldnt break my smile....and then I woke up.

I guess I am looking for something in this life that resembles dreams. Seasons are changing...people are changing....no matter how much I try and pour my heart out....I can't keep people from changing. Tony said he has never met anyone in this life who hasn't changed so much since high school. I find that funny and reason with him that I am way better now...although less good looking. I am looking for that foolish strength I always had. I am looking for you...my friends...who reads this crap I put out. I used to write better....I used to laugh more....Maybe its just Christmas...and I feel so alone....but if you get the chance...and a little extra warmth....spread it a bit...I know there are dozens of us freezing in the cold.....Merry Christmas my sweet dear friend....

Back to my Shallow Grave

2006-12-03T22:48:00.000+08:00

"It's a bitter faith when it dies slowly".......I had this dream recently....it felt like forever....when the girl I was gonna spend the rest of my life with....started saying the wrong things....started paying attention to the wrong things....started to lose sight of what was important....and started to be a different person from the little girl I once met. It was depressing. I was far, far, away from across the sea and I felt cheated..hurt..sad...helpless, and most of all lonely again. Like taking out an old scab on top of a recent wound in your heart, and finding that it was bleeding all along underneath. I loss interest in things after that. I once again felt the need to be that person I once were. To move and protect myself like I once did. They say a demon cannot be hurt. Move fast...stay young...never look back...never surrender your heart...Ignorance is bliss...Attachments are for losers...Game is everything...and judgement comes from your work, not what other people have to say. I pause and say a little prayer before I move on, hoping that maybe somewhere along the way I meet someone again....someone who could change my mind...change my world...change my heart...and hold it right there. That maybe I would find someone who can make me happy. Preferably a bit longer this time. I know it is a long shot...It most probably won't happen...but at least I lived my life...did my thing, made that change, and walked the line...

Moving On.....

2006-07-29T00:22:00.000+08:00

You never really know when to expect certain things like this to happen. Sometimes the hardest choice maybe the only right one you have. Basic rule: All guys are jerks, and all women are B@tch%s. It's true...we're human. I am no superman, but i always tried. Thats the basic premise in creating the character. It wasn't to earn money or sell a million copies...it was to inspire people to be more than just who they were. And that inspiration is the secret to my "sort of" success in life. I refused to be mediocre. I would choose to be alone than live a life hindered by circumstances. I guess, in the end, I will never be truly happy...that will be my fate...but at least I will be a good man...and live a good life...and maybe after all the hardships and lonely aches is gone...Life may give me another suprise or two along the way. But for now...I will go through all of it alone...unable to see the rough dangerous roads ahead...refusing to yield and surrender...or settle...

GONE......

2006-07-03T22:53:00.000+08:00

There was a story I heard…two or three days ago…about a girl who lost everything she held dear. What was dear to her meant something that had 2 arms and 2 legs. What was dear to her was the soothing company of a particular guy…the soft caress whom she grew very fondly of. They once met in a small coffee shop within the city. It was something they never expected to happen in a day such as that clumsy day was. They talked for hours and laughed for hours. They forgot their names and who they were. Everything seemed so unimportant. She remembered swearing oaths to him while in bed. She remembers looking into his eyes and building a world in each of them. She saw a life with him and never saw anything else. And now she finds herself crying…swearing at life and all its intricacies. How rudely everything falls apart. She does not remember what she did wrong…or where it went wrong. She just knew something happened…and it all came falling apart. She could not care for the dry world she now lived in…all she ever knew and wanted was gone…he was gone. Life seemed chaotic…dull…and unimportant. She buried herself under blankets and sheets. It seemed like the only thing she could do. But it was not the only thing that he could do. He came again…just like before…from a flash of light…he was there again…in her bed…under her blankets and sheets. He came again…and he held her tight. She did something she never thought possible anymore…she cried even harder. She cried loud and hard…and held him so tight...tighter than anything she ever held before. For a moment, he was just there…staring at her…giving that comforting smile she always liked. Life seemed fuller and she suddenly stops falling. She felt saved. She forgot who she was, where she was, and everything else that happened in this life. She just knew one thing. She knew she was happy with him. It’s a sudden acceptance that she cannot live without him. What seemed like forever in hell suddenly ended. She felt an uneasy comfort…drenched in false hopes. She hears him say those 3 words she so longed to hear.

Then suddenly like a passing splash of water…he was gone…and she felt the tearing fire of hell condemning her again. The empty hole in her chest burst wide open yet again. She cries even harder and louder under blankets and sheets…where no one can hear her. Where her life is but a fleeting paper gone with the wind…buried somewhere…which the world will never stop for, care for, and wonder about…Where she will see nothing…but what could and would have been…

Busy Balancing Boredom…..

2006-07-03T22:02:00.000+08:00

There were days...not that far behind…where I dreamt of an extra day or two. I remember pausing sometimes…sitting in the middle of the road…in a highway where everything never sat down for one second…where life was decided in between the seconds…I remember sitting down and wishing for a time where I can pursue everything else I thought was missing in my life. I was alone in that world…moving too fast for people to see and remember. I cried inside but I kept it together…came through for the people I worked with and the people I worked for. I had plans, you see…Plans to take up the saxophone…find me a nice girl…rumple sheets…read a mountain of comic books...apply to a million things…learn spanish…learn sign language…meet more people of weird origins…read more on my craft…and just sit in a coffee shop without a care in the world. I remember how badly I wanted it. All of a sudden, I found myself inside that coffee shop…in a normal looking sun drenched afternoon…sitting for what feels like hours…unable to do a damn thing…not a book or comic read…no sax, spanish, or any form of sign language learned. I find myself alone, left by a world that moved so swiftly…they never seem to be there long enough to stick to the frames. I feel like a rusty bucket…once so useful…but now lost behind closets and wooden doors.

Suddenly I long to be part of that time again where I made that difference. Where life moved so fast…I constantly had 50 people around me whom I wasn’t sure who they were or what they really wanted. People who were lost just like me. It seems better sometimes…to get lost like everyone else…to have 50 meanings you never really understand…at least my misery had company. Wisdom dictates to be careful on what you wish for. I never really was that wise. In the end, I wonder…If I can ever truly find a time where I would strike a balance. For a guy who can’t seem to stand on one foot for so long…I wonder if maybe such a thing is possible…and if such a thing will be good enough…

OVERTHINKING............Part2

2006-03-29T23:16:00.000+08:00

Here we go again....Trapped with another one...I see flickerish lamps and hazy shinny objects...a dim shade of light...and stale smoke hanging in the air...I grab my glass and sip...and drink what lefts of it. I am surrounded by my often friends...Johnny, Jack, Smith,...JB, Miguel, and Tito Pepe. Nobody really likes Tito Pepe...but we still let him hang around with us. Johnny laughs and tells me how pathetic i am. That all my frustrations are a joke. I really wish it was. Nothing seemed to be going my way. I felt so alone...so tired...that i can do no right. I tell them how clumsy i was with a lot of things. Relationships, work, and even small little things...I seem to fcuk it all up. It was irrational...unfair...like i was being bullied by fate. Finishing my drink i gave johnny and jack the finger anyway...hoping it would work on them and make me feel better. But they just bloody laugh. JB and Miguel tells me maybe i should try harder...I tell them i already have. Smith just shook his head and looked at me with pity. Tito Pepe would speak up...but he knows better than to say anything in my current state of mind. I like to give up now...I tell them that it does not seem to matter how much i try...people would look down on me...people i have known all my life would take risks with me...but they would never believe in me...and even if i do make it, It would not change the way they saw me. That is was all for nothing. I tell them i am leaking hope...tears began to fall down from my eyes. I start to wish i never existed...i wished I was dead...that a huge comet would just fall on me and end this silly joke. I plead them...to just make it stop..........Then suddenly...i feel a light brush of a hand...unnerving my scalp...brushing my hair. It was so soft and so gentle that it sent a sweet chill in my spine. I look around and i see angel black eyes and long brown hair...Her rosy cheeks and naughty angel smile calms my every thought...She seemed worried. "Where have you been?" I asked...She told me she was looking for me...and that i forgot to take my pills. I tell her i love her and that I was just thinking. She says that she knows. Her voice is so calm...so soothing...like mints. I start to look around...and i see an empty room...i see friends back in their shelves...quiet...dusty...watching. I look back at her, and say "honeydude, I'm tired...Can we go home now?"...She smiles and lets a tear out...she takes my hand warmly and with a smile...i stagger to stand...and start to make our way home...

Margie......Part 2

2006-03-25T22:14:00.000+08:00

It's been awhile since i wrote anything...mostly because my life has been tumbling and tossing since i met Margie. That and trying to juggle my way and devour books again for my Medical Board Exams in the States. It hasn't been perfect...but i've never felt happier in my life. She brings me life...she lit a lot of dark corners in me and has showed me love in almost every language. She goes to the south every so often...i kinda like the way the light attaches itself to her in the south. The light and sounds...and the very air are different when she is around. She has gotten so good in calming my uncompromising labile mood. I can't seem to think of any other person who can do that. I just melt everytime i hear her say that i am her man. I know it is just an ego thing...but she says it with a lot of sincerity and sureness that i feel so damn special. I spent 3 days with her in the beach...where i got to sleep right beside her...I woke one night and started to stare at her...you can tell a lot from how a person sleeps...She looked so peaceful, calm....beautiful. She is beautiful beyond words. I have met her a dozens times since then...and each time...she makes my chest burst out. I wail and flinch inside my head...like a lunatic...I often wonder why we didn't find each other sooner. Could have prevented a lot of life. But you see...that's just it...we met each other at the right time and right place. You don't prevent life...you allow it. Every pain and pleasure...because without life...then what is it all worth for? If i had to go through it all over again...i would wait again...for that right time...I'm glad my heart is resting beside margie now...while she sleeps...

Margie........Part 1

2006-03-08T09:05:00.000+08:00

It was dark...with a lot of neon lights...flashing...the sound of acoustic alternative rang thru the air...It never failed to amaze me how this life could turn things upside down...inside out...but I met Margie one ordinary evening...It wasn't the kind of evening you would think things like this happens. But it did. A friend(Arvin) introduced us, and we just started talking. Not intellectually talk, or that interview kinda talk...just talking...and smiling. I got her number to add to my ever growing repressed social life. The next day I broke Guy rule#8 and texted. Nothing special...just chatting with my new friend. 3 days later, i was invited to try some secret blueberry cheesecake she was famous for. What was suppose to be a lunch thing turned into an afternoon of talking...and starring. My heart just literally screamed for her...and i don't know why...but I kissed her that evening...as sweet and as simple as a kiss can be. It wasn't out of desire...or stupidity...or spontaneity...or that new generation kinda fad. It was the sorta kiss that said..."Thank God i found you". Delirious the next day...i tried to find every rational thought i could think of to end this silly thing. She's obviously different and I'm uninteresting, How else would i fit in? Basically, I was overthinking.

I saw her again the day after the next. We had a dinner date. I tried my best to find every reason not to like her, but when someone abstractly fits in your arms, in your eyes, in your smile...it's kinda hard not to. The following day did not change, we tried to date in a more social way. It was a way for us to see if we were high and blinded to reason somehow. I remember trying to catch a glimpse of her across the crowded room. Her smile was 5 ft. away, but it warmed my heart anyway. I made my journey towards her, in the place i first met her...thinking of things i could say. Not that there was anything cool i could say. My mind just failed me again. But when i did reach her...i kissed her...secretly...and i didn't think she noticed. Our bodies were just dancing around each other...5 inches apart...trying not to crush each other...trying not to lose control. As we were playing around with all the mixed thoughts and feelings...we were caught by what felt like a million eyes in the room. Embarrased, i did the only thing i thought could rescue me from running out...i secretly kissed her again...and gave her a secret hug too. Cheesy...Yes, but it was a cheesy night for both of us.

The day after the next, we went out to see some friends. A friend of mine(Mark) asked me what the deal was...I told him the truth...that we were dating. Suddenly, i felt like i was lying. The truth became a lie. It was something that haunted me as we drove to Capones after the party. For whatever reason, i found myself admiring her again in front of a red wall. It seemed red at that time. But the light...the way the light attached itself to her...my heart just bled out. I tried to keep myself at bay...not to say anything...it was like a giant wave was about to crash upon me. So, i gathered what was left of myself...and made myself look like i had something to offer. I had trouble finding the words...it was 8 years ago since i had any use for any of them. Like a traditional geek, i traditionaly needed her to fill in the blanks...or to decipher my blabbering heart. I swear...when she said "Yes"...seven thunders uttered their voices. Things became so trivial...Life had meaning again...and i kissed her...not secretly...but for the world to see. In retrospect, i guess we both knew it from the day we first had lunch. The first time our eyes really met. It was right in front of us the time we were introduced...but we only saw it later. It is hard to explain how i feel right now...i guess i feel inspired...like layers of misery just decided to let up just this once. We still do have every reason not to be together...sordid pasts, different lifestyles...worlds apart...people telling us how irrational we both are together...But at the end of the day...After all the hard work and daily life we both endure...i guess it's really nice to get to hang my heart with someone like margie...

Life.......Part 2

2006-02-22T23:03:00.000+08:00

Your name is John.......and tonight your walking away from the pain. You can't seem to lose it. It tears at you....claws at every single thought you have. Your soul is broken.....You taste your own blood and you tell yourself that the white coat and stet you wear serve a purpose.....When you put them on.....part of you fades away. As a doctor you can supposedly deal with anything. That mask you wear, guards you.....gives you a real life. But there is a side of you that no one else can see. Sometimes, those sides of you begin to cross.....they cause you pain and misery. When that happens, all you want to do is go back in time and erase everything.....because you know how it will all end.

You arrive at the hospital where you work at. It's a busy place with a lot of lost souls. You are there for a different reason. She is dying. You spent all your life trying to find her. You make a big mess out of it.......and eventually, you succeed. But tonight, she is leaving you. The world seems to have stop moving.....you couldn't care less. She looks at you.....and you hold her hand. You wanna take her away in your arms and kiss her....outrun death. But you are helpless. You are not used to being helpless. You are not used to fighting something you can't hit. She tells you that she knew you were special back then,....and that she should have known sooner. You hush her cries, and tell her everything is gonna be ok. That you are sorry for not being there sooner. She dosen't blame you. She tells you that it is destiny....that she is not afraid to die. She says that it was never meant to last....not the way you wanted it. That both of you should have walked away when you guys had the chance.....but both of you wanted something real. She wipes your tears and tell you that you have a unique destiny.....that the world needs people like you. You tell her that you need her. She dies a little bit after........but not before kissing you.....telling you that you already had everything she could give........

There are times in your life where it will all cross.....they cause you great pain and misery. When that happens, all you want to do is go back in time and erase everything.....because you know how it ends. But you can't....that is not who you are. You don't go back in time. You keep moving forward.......and you never stop fighting. Thats the real reason you will still put it on....even when you know there will never be a day when your not fighting. Win or lose, you try to save people........and you will die trying......and maybe if you do die, you will come back just to do it all over again. A life ruled in karma. You tell yourself, the "mask" serves a greater purpose. It is a symbol of hope in a time without hope. As a doctor, you believe you can deal with anything.....but that is a lie. It does not matter how many lives you have lived....how many lives you have saved........underneath it all, you are still a man.....who can be broken......just like everyone else. You keep on walking further away.....lost....with a single purpose...It is a dark shadowy evening...your cries are lost and unheard ...your life placed aside....you are alone....like you were always meant to be........

Life.....Part 1

2006-02-19T21:00:00.000+08:00

"I'm Frustrated.....and I'm Tired...It's almost evening again and i've been up for 41 hours straight. I can't feel myself....I move like a machine...careless...unattached. I don't know if im more hungry or more sleepy anymore. Just numb. dirty. tired. frustrated. I got tons of work to do tomorrow for tomorrow...and it's just piling on me right now. But like a miracle, i survived yet another duty and i'm happy to go home to my empty bed...my empty social life...and my empty lover's arms. What a cheese. I was walking past this corridor, making my way out..when i glimpsed at a small kid...crying...not exactly crying...but tears were in his face...but like a soundless cry...he stares at the bodies of his dead parents. Like he was praying...swearing...or making promises that usual grievers make when people die.

I muster up whats left of myself and try to do this thing we doctors do to comfort people. I must have done it a million times before....you try to say stuff...and hope you get through...or even just to lighten their load. Doctors are very keen people...they can tell if their doing it wrong or if their bullshit will actually work. So i arm up on comforting words...and i talk to him...His name is bruce. He didn't seem all too interested with what i had to say. I began telling him about life...moving on...how hard it's gonna be but he has to be strong...give some meaning to it all...that it wasnt his fault...and that he has to get pass this. I tell him what i thought he needed to hear. Like a dumb person who thinks he knows everything. Frack! I didn't care anymore...i just wanted him to feel better...even just a little bit. So maybe i'd feel better too and sleep better. But it dosen't work. He stands there scatterd in a million thoughts, grasping, swearing...tears flowing out of his eyes...and he dosen't care...

Just as i was about to leave...he asked me with a creepy voice of a child..."Why do you still do it? You know you can never stop death?"...i was strucked...I never expected to be strucked. I'm tired and this kid begins to question what i do. I'm strucked. Haven't i done enough? Such a unthoughtful question. I was about to begin to explain...or use some rational bullshit again to get it over with...when a patient in the corridor codes. I place my things aside...and began to run the code...resuscitating the patient. It wasn't my job anymore...my shift ended. But i was the closes doctor to the patient. None of it really matters in that moment. I just do what i do. Rationality aside...fairness aside...selfishness aside...i try to save this persons life. He begins to flatline...i take a whack at the paddles after intubating the patient. It takes me about 8 minutes...but the patient was revived. As soon as a doctor relieved me of the care...i gather my stuff again and make way. The little boy was apparently watching. His eyes were lost in thought. He began to ask again...with a creepy kid voice..."Why do you still do it? You know you can't stop death." Maybe i was just too tired to care anymore of what he thought. You feel a "GIVE"...when your too tired of this bullshit life...honesty rises...like a subconscious thing...you cut loose and say something natural...something true. I tell him with what cracking voice i had left: "What are you talking about kid, I stop death everyday." I was proud and for the first time i stunned him. He flinches...trying to absorb the honesty...a million thoughts racing in his head...he shakingly asks: "But...who saves you? Who will take care of you if your already there?." i didn't know if he was talking about me or himself anymore...confused on what he wanted me to say...but again i answered..."It dosen't really matter does it? It won't matter to the people i save today...it won't matter to the people you save tomorrow. No one will understand...save you". He stares at me...and i could see that he understood something that people don't usually understand. it's something i don't fully understand myself. People from his family finally arrive to embrace him and try to do what i had failed to do....to comfort him. But as i walked out of that hospital....i looked back...and i saw his eyes staring at me...hanging on the silly little words i just said. I didn't care what he thought about it anymore...I was just plain dead tired. I came back the next morning, only to find out that the little boy's name was bruce...bruce wayne. It hits me for a second...I got strucked again...I ponder about it for a few minutes...but then, it began to "don't matter". As i was swamped again by people...trying to find the life they have lost. Trying to get back to the life they once had."

I wrote this story in the hope that people will be given a chance to see what doctors are and not just what they percieved them to be. All doctors are different. Some are crazy, some selfish, some nice, some are amateurs...and some are really good. Just like the regular people. But they just deal with something very, very serious....very precious to us all....Life. And that is why they have to be more than just regular people. They have to be something else entirely....to be able to save that life. I began writing this and i used all 10 doctors in my block to inspire me. They are, faults aside, the best group of doctors i wanna work with. I had some really fond memories that year. I just hope some of it will never "don't matter" in the future as i go along.

UPDATE DIGEST: 001

2006-02-04T16:43:00.000+08:00

Do you ever get the feeling your at a point in your life......Where you have to make a commitment and turn somewhere?.......Do you ever wonder about the other choices you didn't take?.... Lately my days have all been like that. I'm currently reading, reading,....reading.....and reading again!!! For the US medical Boards. It's an adventure i've been planning with my best friend since years ago. Although it is filled with uncertainty.....part of me, wants to stay also and take up residency. What residency?!? Yup, I'm in between Neurology and Plastic Surgery. Whuh?! Worlds apart!!! Well,.....chill....let me explain. What appeals to me with neurology is that you can help people in their darkest hour. A friend, family, a total stranger....your there treating their stroke victims as best as you could. It's a heroistic ideal of saving lives that i always had. What appeals to me with Plastic Surgery....is the fun part of surgery. It's an art....and i am an artist. It's something that is fun to do and helps change people too. I'm torn actually. In some parts of my life, I kinda mustered what little pride i had to make some really stupid choices. Someone told me if you really like someone you should stick it out. I told her it's not the same if you know its not as mutual as you hoped it would be. That maybe life is as funny as i think it is and will let me pass on this one. I'm thinking of diving lately....taking up the course in the next week.......hide beneath the sea........from the rest of the world. Maybe life would spin, spin, spin....until a new life appears and i wonder off again to see what roads i may take....people i can meet...adventures waiting for me.....

Blue Oven.....

2006-01-25T08:38:00.000+08:00

I'm in the Blue Oven again........Got another 48hour duty done this week. It was ridiculously busy. I tried my best to cope though...but i'm beginning to feel it, taxing me. I always end up regretting doing some stuff and hope I can do better. That's the thing with me....I'm never satisfied. I have to grow. Everything has to grow. That's me. I can never sit still. But trying to know is different from understanding. Medicine for me has always been about two factors. The knowledge on the disease...and connecting with your patients. The only time you can be an effective doctor is when you connect with your patients.......and the people you work with....and elevate their lives...from the inside. This is very taxing both physically and emotionally. You can got through all sorts of emotions in minutes. That's the key. But when everything is said and done...you always remember the bad things....you always end up short in one thing or the other. It's a fact. And as i went home today.....i tried to look for some small comfort. Maybe to feel a little bit normal again. To try catch up on the world. To lean......But it's kinda hard when you live in the different pace altogether. So, I'm back to reviewing for the US exam....which i'm kinda weary about. You see, they said working freelance would make you wanna stop training. For me, it has been an opposite catalyst. I wanna start training again. Soon. As Soon As Possible. But I sorta made an elaborate plan to escape this world for an adventure. An adventure with a lot of potential growing. Change is a frightening thing. Especially in the hands of a stubborn little kid like me. But I'm facing it head-on. Maybe i'm just tired......Maybe it's just male-PMS.......i just didn't expect a lot of things.......and i thought some things where better than they really are. I don't know if i'm wrong....but I don't think i would really know in this life. Getting a great temporary job and losing it in a few weeks can also be a bitch just when your starting to get the hang of it and actually care for it. My world seems to be evolving......Heating up.......getting ready to explode in the next few months.....I am horrified and equally excited about whats in store.......And I just hope i don't regret one thing or the other. If that dosen't work out......then, I'm just gonna have to find another path. Divine my own future. One that is uniquely mine. Not a page from someone else's book......and definitely not a FATE that begins and ends on page one.......

The List.....

2006-01-22T22:56:00.000+08:00

I was talking with a friend the other day.....she is a nice little girl who became my friend for some reason i can't remember....but i'd like to think we're close....Anyway, she asked me to write down a list of what i want in a girl....or my "IDEAL" woman. This was a very unusual request that i thought i'd indulge. I'm always waiting for someone to sweep me off my feet. But just as i think everything would be perfect....something always comes up.....Something always comes up.... I'd like to think that all i want is someone simple. Just like everyone else. But life is never simple. And i think i made my life screwy complex. So, maybe a list is a nice thing to do so as to guide me.....in a very weird sorta way.........Here goes nothing............................................................................(after 30mins)........Ok,ok....I made a list....and i read it....it was pretty ridiculous! Really...that's why i never get to stay long with anybody. Terrible. Still, I really am not the kinda guy who just settles for anyone. So i texted my same friend....i told her my list was outrageous and maybe it was a bad idea....so she asked me...."What are the non-negotiables?"....then i thought about it. And told her that we have to be Kiss Compatible....She has to get along with my family and friends....Sweet, and loves me very dearly for who i am...She said...."There...is that not reasonable?". It's nice to have friends like these during days like these. I'm going to sleep it off... :)

BRAT.........Part 1

2006-01-14T08:55:00.000+08:00

"It's Beautiful......It's almost eleven....on a saturday night....and I'm stuck in a room....kinda cool.....everyone is out....with their party clothes and their party hats....It's kinda cool.......in the party rooms.....Got this laptop.....and i'm typing on it....funny....It's all so weird....I'm thinking......Why am i here? I'm here because it's cool to be here....This is the Best Place on Earth....And I think to myself.....why? why!? WHY?! has everything gone so fracking serious!....the world is crawling.....crawling so slow!.....and I'm just moving too fast!.....I'm gone!....I'm invisible!.....I'm a gaze!.......Funny part is.....I like it....all the pain....all the solitary thoughts.....My world is my own.....and there is no place i would rather be....there is no person i can ever be with.......It's just me.....and this room....almost eleven....on a Saturday night...."

LOVE for 2005

2006-01-01T02:54:00.000+08:00

It's 2006....But i suddenly miss 2005. For the past 4 years since 2001....i have been having really bad years. I was depressed....I encountered a lot of pain....and have done things I wasn't proud of. Some people took advantage of that misery. For four years, My life was ruined. Although, i did meet a lot of good people and shared some good times....I wasn't happy. 2005, was my year. I completed my PGH training...I PASSED THE FREAKING BOARD EXAMS....Yes, I'm a certified bonafide Spiffy Doctor! I have achieve half of my dream. I met a lot of good people in 2005...Saw Dave Matthews Band....Hanged out with my buddy Aldrich and Tony in the states for 2 months....did 2 weeks in boracay....landed an awesome job...got through pre residency of neurology...did historical things in PGH.....met brazilian women....had a lotta great times at parties....revived my social life....spent more time and got to know my family a little better....saw my big bro mike.....and learned to care again, though it did not go as i thought it would. All-in-all, I have been blessed in 2005. All that misery, tears, hardships, and times i almost quit....paid off. So, Thank You 2005! Thank You God for everything! and Thank You all of you for believing in me and making my life a little more interesting. It's 2006....things are about to change for me again.....but i can't seem to forget 2005....I will always love that year....

OVERTHINKING.........part 1

2005-12-28T22:10:00.000+08:00

"Why are we here?.....Have we forgotten already?.....I look meticulously at my shot.....and wonder about the neon lights, and my smokey eyes tonight. It's another 2AM and i'm drunk again.....with something heavy on my mind. I glance at the bar.......and i see Pablo, Edgar, and William.....all drowning in their drinks.....drowsy....sleepy.....The world ever crawling slower. I call up to the bartender.....and I ask him for another drink. I plead him sweetly to make it stronger......because i really don't need to think. And with that last round, I can make my way home. As heavy as my head was....my chest seems to weigh heavier. My life.......A dancing page of newspaper......Caught in a devil whirlwind........being pushed in every direction. In this dimly lit.....and elegantly furnaced cavern......I find temporary respite from all my demons.

I close my eyes and bang my head......and when I look up, she's suddenly there again. Beside me. Drinking............drinking a glass of what passes for a ladies drink these days. Her lips.....beautiful.....pinkish red.......wrap around the round bed of a bar glass. I looked at her again......For the infinite time......Her eyes beam through me. Their round.......Fascinating....ever quiching and ever blinking...... I swear an oath to them each time. Her hair......God, that hair!......spread all over her face. It's the fondest thing i have ever seen in my life. This woman is amazing. But the best thing about her..........(besides the fact that she's funny and understands everything.....even korean).........is her smile. A compassionate smile. From the first day i saw that smile.........I lost myself. I lost my legs. I crumbled to the ground. My reigning empire....gone.....in seconds,.....a shift in her grin has ruined me. I tell myself.......I cannot fall. I cannot surrender. I would never do well in such open quarters. That i am vulnerable......and would easily be taken for granted. That I would clumsily lead any hope to doom. But with enough inspiration........I foolishly gather myself. I call onto the different aspects of my life to give me strength and courage to face my fear. I take the deepest breath i have ever taken.......shakingly, I lift myself up........and I stop breathing....and with painful sincerity.........With a bold and brave resolve......I proclaim myself.

I tell her i love her...

With so much excitement......in the bashing moment........ I blink.......idiot!!! She's gone. I wipe my smokey eyes out,........look around,....... and shake my head.....It's true!....she was never there.....just a "figament" of my imagination. An alcoholic mirage for a few seconds. It's true!.......I am officially insane. Crazy drunk. Fat loser. Stubborn idiot. Delirious lover. I let out a small sigh.....And then I start to remember......."Why am i here?"......(nodding).....I haven't forgotten. I am here because I wasn't that strong. I couldn't find a way to make it work. Because I failed that 'smile'.......and now, I'm haunted by it. I look around,....and all I see are neon lights, gorgeous women......sexy flirtets.......wild lingerie......intoxicated comrades.......jack walker.........and my friendly bartender. Sinking yet another one, I plead the old bastard for another drink......and i impose upon him to make it strong.............because i really don't want to think......."

After 48 hours of sleepless work.....a strenous work out...... and a plate of lasagna with 6 bottles of beer......I mindlessly wrote for 4 hours with 500 Dave Matthew Band "Grace is Gone" music in the background. I have written something worth 2 days of thought, a week of wondering, a month of life, and years of preparation. This kinda work does not come easy nor cheap. But I could almost swear it failed to describe how i truly felt.

WHITE NIGHT........MY CHRISTMAS TALE

2005-12-23T17:14:00.000+08:00

It was cold and I couldn’t sleep…tossing and turning in bed for hours…my thoughts running rancid wild…I got tired condemning myself to sleep…so I sit up and began to make my way outside. Of all the nights that I couldn’t dream…it had to be tonight. I was originally hoping it would painlessly pass…that the holiday cheer would be swift and abrupt. It was a sadistic joke of fate. Someone out there was having their chuckles while I was walking around in the coldest time of the year. The icy chills…cracked on my skin…and I felt envious with the unequalled radiance from the houses where families and friends indulge themselves with company. The laughter resonated to the snow around me. It reminded me of what I left behind. What happened to all the women and friends I had? They were 35,000 miles away…it felt like 35,000 miles. They probably were fleetingly happy…I would be a burden…I wouldn’t deserve them tonight anyway…

The world became very quiet...and dark…and snow muffles any grey hues or cries. It is deceivingly clean, serene, and silent. I love the world best when it’s like this. It’s quiet…and empty…No…not quite empty. I hear a raspy labored breathing…a clumsy figure walking across the street. He seems to be exhausted…walking towards the dark church behind me. He doesn’t notice me…maybe it was too dark. He seems sick…diabetes? Prostate disease?...I can fairly guess. Thut, thut, thut…the old man’s cane…creaking muscles, strung to brittle bones and tendons. Each movement, a careful painful activity…the old man stops and looks up to the temple…never giving attention to my callous form.

He topples his hat to the ground…and began to whisper…”Why?”…his raspy voice suddenly cried. “Why Lord?! Why have you done this to me? I kept you in my heart and mind all this years…and this is what you have given me?” With an angry voice taking over, he cries…”YOU TOOK MY FRIENDS…AND I ACCEPTED…Because it was their time... YOU TOOK AWAY MY WIFE…AND I ACCEPTED IT!… Because it was mercy to end her suffering…Now, I am alone…I no longer know this world…it frightens me…I don’t want to be here anymore Lord…Yet you refuse to take me…You refuse to take away this endless night!” He crumbles to the ground and cries, saying he has nothing left…and how a quiet death is the only thing he needed now. Foolishly, I speak up.

“Maybe God has a plan for you.” What an utterly stupid thing to say, but I began to build from it, wondering if I am torturing this man. “Who?”, the old man replied. “A friend sir, someone…who understands…life is hard…and we seem to lose a lot along the way. We rarely gain anything of permanence…yet we lose things so easily. Sometimes we are compensated…sometimes we are not. I’ve had people taken from me too…taken by simple pride…ambition…and an idea that I am destined to be alone. The people who taught me to be a man…and the woman I have loved so dearly…taken away by such simple idiosyncrasy. It was very hard to maintain faith in anything after. But it seems that I have…and I really don’t know why. I guess I always knew there was a reason for me…I too can still do good things with my life…so can you…if you don’t let despair bogged you down…if you don’t let this cold overwhelm you.” He listened shockingly still, like my every word was the only thing in the world that existed for him. I felt important…and shared a kinship with this lost soul. Suprisingly still, he calmly asks “You speak from above…are you an angel?”…”No, I am but a man”…I took his hand and graced it against my face…it was a thoughtless move that seemed like the right thing to do. “You feel abandoned sir…but even in a night such as this, you are not alone…does that not give you something to hold on to? Does it not give reason to have faith?” The old foggy shakingly smiles…and what seems to be acceptance, he raspily asks for his cane for which he is lost without it. I tell him everyone needs someone…sometime…to show them the way. I take his arm and tell him that I’ll help him get home but not before we find some local dinner and get a serving of steak and eggs…maybe some peppermint coffee. It was dark and cold...but I told him it was a good white night for both of us. He just stares at me…blankly…with a sincere and happy grin…tears fell from his eyes…joyfully he says…”Merry Christmas…”

LIGAW

2005-12-18T10:06:00.000+08:00

Ummm....How do you make "LIGAW"?...Honestly, this doctor has no idea whatsoever how to go about it....whenever i set my mind on it.....set on courting anyone....I turn into a clumsy pathetic mushroom....The Great Doctor Fox....turned into a whinner and a loser....I don't know why i'm feeling this way....i shouldn't....I hate it....I hate it that i'm liking this person very much...I mean i have a list of what my ideal woman is...and she just made me forget about that list....She's not naman my type.....I can't even blog right....the repercussions of liking someone and announcing it is somewhat lost to me....I don't even care about that....I didn't expect it though....What kinda trick did fate pull on me this time? I usually just talk to a person...make jokes...talk....go out...and if i like her...i see where it goes....but to make "ligaw" is something a 1st yr High School student can teach me...I skip that part of my life....It's kinda funny...and i'm probably gonna regret posting this...but what the heck....Your help and inputs might YET save me from my disastrous self this last few days...

Thinking About You

2005-11-27T19:08:00.000+08:00

I am thinking about you......it is something my head was screaming at me after i met this girl back when i was 14 and in 2nd year high school. I remember her face and her smile....the rest are somewhat vague to me....aside from that one night. I took her to this school concert....i think Side A was playing. I remember that we had so much fun....singing...or shouting...or thinking we were singing but were really shouting. It was a buncha fun. As the amazing night ended we walked on to meet up with her ride home. We were so happy giggling and smiling....and looking at each other. It was exhilirating enough really.

Then as we were walking....she held my hand. As in, she got my hand and freaking held it! It was the softest thing to ever grace my hand. In a way, she touched me. I was so baffled....strucked! My hand was a running fawcet of sweat...and she looked at me smiling. Was she making fun of me, i asked. But there she was holding my hand with such soft firmness resolve....i wished she never let go. And as i was running so many things in my head as it is....when we got to her ride....we stood there facing each other....sweating.....heartbeat racing.......i probably said something uncool....but suprisingly she placed her hand in my shoulder and kissed me in the cheek. SHE FREAKING KISSED ME! KISSED! As in her amazing soft red cherry lips, both of them, just touched my face and blew me away. The world ended in that moment. Everything crawled down to a stop. At that age, a kiss in the cheek is like a sex marathon for a week! And i just hit jackpot! I wanted to smoke a cigar after....but i never really got around smoking. I wanted to buy the biggest roasted calf or pig and celebrate....I wanted fine wine and the sweetest chocolates.....i so wanted that night to never end. But it did. We wrote each other a lot the following year. She was really nice, that even when she had a boyfriend she still wrote me. Years later she had kids, got married, and went away. She was still young at that time. Last year i heard she was in the states already. People judged her a lot after that i think. I never did. For obvious reasons, she moved me. In a time where holding hands are like passionate kisses and a cheek-kiss is a sex marathon, i often wonder how happier i was back then. She gave my life hope. The simplest things we do give people hope. We may make or break them. And i guess that is why we must be somewhat vigilant about stuff like this. That sometimes we may be the clumsiest idiot or think we are a really fogettable person, irresponsible and a liability to the world.....but we are a treasure to others. And life has meaning because we exist to them. Days later, i wrote this poem about her. In a boring class, no less. I was in 2nd yr high, and i was overflowing with infatuation.....so forgive the mushy senses....It is one of the few times i got mushy about anything in this lifetime....I called it: "THINKING ABOUT YOU"

"I've Been Thinking About You,
So How Could I Sleep?
Whenever I'm So Close To You,
My Love Goes Deep.
In The Dawn Of The Day,
My Love Never Sleeps.
In The Heart Of The Pain,
Your Love Is Sweet.
Poetic It May Seem,
My Love Is True;
Cause All I Really Know Is
I've Been Thinking About You..."

After a while, my poem made it's way to the school paper. Then got published in this book called "Alice in The Heartlands Poet", In which they made a play at the CCP about a buncha poems which included mine. They told me they sold the book in europe. I was in 2nd yr college when that happened. I often wonder if she at least got to read it. i can't remember...

NONSENSE PRATTLE....

2005-11-27T16:20:00.000+08:00

It is a funny thing....When i woke up today...when i woke up after the board exam....when i woke up after my great sabbatical....i found out the world had changed. The world always changes. I am told that more often than i care to admit. The world always changes when i sleep. It is not a big revelation, nor is it an unexpected guest. It changes continually without asking me. That's how it is and how it has always been. Suprise after suprise.....Some of it are righteous....Some of it are evil.....most are somewhere in the middle....and they always have to happen without my consent....

I am sorta going away again for a few weeks....away from everything in manila...I am gonna conjure up another adventure in my life. I can't help think that sometimes it is better this way. That i dream out there. Sometimes i don't feel i fit in. The world out there has become bigger....and something out there is calling me to be part of something that big....bigger than me....I have always had a constant affinity to challenge myself. And the funny thing is, i think it is best to do this on my own. I recognize the people who do try to help me in their own way. And i hope that whatever comes out of my life, would be something they can use and be proud of. So as i fall asleep again, I wish you all the best....And if there is anything that you wanna change about me or around me....i invite you to wait until i fall asleep....because....most of these things are somewhat gray to me and most shall always happen without my consent....

HUG'O'WAR

2005-11-22T18:05:00.000+08:00

When i was in Gr.4, i was in our school library...and i remember this very vividly......because when i was doing my geeky thingymajig...(reading from popular science to the hardy boys....to any book i chance my hands on)....i came about a poem so beautifully written that it's sheer simplicity just caught my soul's attention. Not knowing that later, i myself will dwell in such literary indulges secretly. Anyway, i got a short piece of paper and wrote the whole thing down....15 years later.....or earlier today....i was trying to fix my stuff and that same piece of paper fell down and yelled at me: "Yo!"......So naturally, yet again, i read it....it just captivated me again and i thought i'd let you guys in on it. Some of you might not feel it's magic....but i assure you....it's a genius poem....just wish i wrote the name of the person who wrote it.....the person who wrote, "HUG-o-WAR"

"I will not play tug o'war!
I would rather play hug o'war.
Where everyone hugs, Insteads of tugs.
Where everyone giggles....and rolls on the rug.
Where everyone kisses, and everyone grins,
and everyone cuddles, and everyone wins...."

A LITTLE STORY....Part 3

2005-10-27T23:50:00.000+08:00

So, it happens yet again…..and after the biggest exam of my life and even bigger ones down the road…..And after a beautiful marriage….3 beautiful kids…..a wonderful practice….a great house….a fire accident….a better house….a hurricane calamity….an even spectacular house……college……grandchildren……death in the family….being widowed….it happens…yet again. Just when you thought it was long over. Of course, it’s different when your skin is all wrinkled up and it takes you more time to get to the toilet than the time you actually stay in the toilet. Where every movement becomes a mission in life….a painfully stricken activity….My mind is all shot up, where pieces of memories are incoherent…..and nothing seems to stick or mean anything anymore….nothing other than the family that you have….then something like this hits you….old trunk of antique emotions….memories that you can’t seem to be confident enough to call your own. It’s not the sort of day you’d think it would happen. She just waltzes through your life…once again.

You find yourself in a place on top of a cliff….somewhere high and dimly green, above raging waves crashing……where the rocks seem to take the most alien forms…with darkly grey skies and chilly winds to the south….You feel the earth pound on you…while your heart races….and you stare at her shape while you shiver….coming to you, floating on every rock and soil on the ground……at first you dream that your thinking…and then you think you are dreaming…How can it be her….after all these years….can you still be an idiot at this day and age? Who can forget those beautiful little brown eyes behind that delicate angelic face….her skin, gracefully seasoned to perfection….her every breath, ever so slow, ever so soft, ever so gentle……just warms you up from the inside….you feel like your 20 yet again, gramps! I decide not to cry and begin to clear my throat…..that usually takes a while…but I gamble at my voice…what passes at this age as a voice…. I tell her “hello”…and it’s the sweetest “hello” I have ever said in years. The sheer magnitude of the moment silences everything else.....Nothing matters…..I began to talk about my life….every house I had…every beautiful child I got…my amazing wife…and every single shitty thing that happened to me. I tell her stories after stories with great ease that I haven’t experienced for quite some time now. I go on and on and on, and amazingly…she listens….she listens with great attention….she smiles more than once….it just warms me up even more. She begins to say one word phrases….and it feels like a million. Her voice just vibrates down my spine. Then, she makes 2 word paragraphs….and then….books of sentences. She talks about her life…all the beautiful shitty things she had to go through….her family…her kids…how she was widowed…she just talks and talks and talks….and I hear and listen to every guppy word that softens the cold wind around us….I begin to cry…because I am happy once more….moved by the gentle caress of her presence and the twisted sound of her giggles. It went on for hours and hours…to days…to years. It felt like we were together again. But it wasn’t true…it was a fantastic fiction…but it was all genius little lies…that I believed in.

Then a silence breaks everything…as if she’s looking back….trying to live in the reality of things….She begins to apologize for what happened before…for all the years that it took her to say it and mean it. I tell her it’s ok, that it worked out in the end…I lie for all the good it would do both of us. Then, I asked her if any of it was true…if the six years we spent were lies and filled with deceit. She smiles…and says it doesn’t matter. What mattered was how we felt…what we did…everything else was not important. It shouldn’t be. She tells me like a breathtaking movie…it always had to end…no matter how many times you see it…and that she cried….Every time she saw me…she cried inside….but didn’t know how to show it. I tell her guys are supposed to be the insensitive ones. That wasn’t her part to play. She tells me, women should have more trouble letting go…it wasn’t suppose to be my part to play it. We laugh a little bit…then suddenly…without any chance to stop it….without any hesitation…like an idiot’s last final words.….I tell her I love her. So much….for so long….that life was interesting with her around….and although I wouldn’t trade my life for that fantasy…..it was an adventure to dream about it. She stands there….tears fill her eyes…she smiles…her heartbeat feels oddly alive….She says the words I thought I would never get to hear in this lifetime…one last time….…She says: “I LOVED YOU TOO”. And for the first time in my life…..I feel complete again. I found myself. Like a big piece of me comes home….I go crazy…and hug her….and I hold her as tight as I can….as tight as my weary little arms can…I kiss her in the cheek and crash my face in her ear…..and tell her thank you….and suddenly, I feel cold again….It was a gnawing coldness….A voice calls me back in the background….it was my grandson….#2……it was all just a dream….yet again….I stood there…in that very darkly beautiful cliff……on top of her grave…where a princess was laid to rest. The words…."Here lies an Angel"…..was written on the stone. The kid asks: “Who was she, grampy?” I tell him that she was a nice woman who did many good things….who meant a whole lot to a lot of people, and who also became my friend. I tell him he would rarely meet people like her…and that if he did….it was best to just let himself go and share an adventure with them. I stand there for another minute…it takes forever…but I was able to collect myself…and I go on…….living my days…..and my genius little lies…..bidding for my time….

MISSION: VACATION!

2005-10-07T06:44:00.000+08:00

Well here I am......about to head out for what maybe another chink in my history...it's not all gonna be the vacation ive been dreaming about...and i'm sure i'm gonna run in to people who would try and tell me what to do and how they want this to be......but i'm on vacation to even quarrel....i'm gonna have my way with this vacation as much as i can....and compromise the rest.....lately i guess i haven't been myself....still reeling from everything.....I need this to get a better perspective....and maybe some reasonable pride and dignity that ive been missing....Recently ive been trying to be passive about things...trying to please everyone....i'm not bitter or anything....haha, bet you thought i was gonna pull a drama curtain or two.....well, i'm just psyche and i'm gonna have a lot of funny adventures and get myself in some mischief and some good times....Something to tell you all in this web blog. So stay tuned....and for those lives i'm gonna leave dazed and breathless(mostly from laughing and confusion...)....well, you better beware....For the FOX may hit a town near you...very soon....See you in your dreams and in the funny books.....

40 YEAR OLD VIRGINS......

2005-10-06T19:29:00.000+08:00

Today, I wanted to talk about....the 40 year old virgin. No……I’m not 40….and as far as my revised “kamasutra: the millennium edition” is concerned…..I’m not a virgin either. But yesterday, as I was feeling kinda depressed and forgotten(still)……a special couple decided to let me tag along like a kid, to watch that “40 year old virgin” movie flick. With comics in one hand and my ticket on the other….I sat me down; ever so graceful as any other would sit. And prepared myself for what was soon to be realized….as a really geeky funny movie.

Now, I’m a geek…all of you know that. But what you don’t know is…I’m a cool geek….yep, there are many levels to geekiness….but it wouldn’t be right to talk about it right now since we’re doing this movie review. The movie is played with some pretty unfamiliar actors who did a movie or two before. They were plain and simple, and perfect for each part. Each character was set to balance each other and each was played to near perfection. The story delve into the psyche of a simple man….a geek….who like the fat Buddha……didn’t want and didn’t frustrate….he was satisfied with what he got. With all his collectible toys, statues, and cool gadgetry…..Or so he thought….but something ate at him from the inside….like natural evolution….he was screaming to become a guy….at the age of 40 of course. Why forty you might say? Because 40 is a very funny age according to some people I interviewed. Though somewhat a 40 year old virgin is rare this days….but there are still those few….there was a deeper lesson to be found in the story……too bad I was laughing so hard….i need to see it again to find them. It’s the perfect movie getaway….to dissolve all your problems….maybe to remind you that nothing is perfect and that we should just enjoy each other as it is…with only the best of what’s around. Not to think about the future too much….Have you listened to what your insides have been screaming lately? I guess the movie also has two important things to be seen….the fact that it’s ok to take some risks and that we should always be ourselves and do things to our own accord. If only id listened to both. Now, you can stay here and keep on reading on my raves and rants….or you can go out there and make sure…you don’t become 40….and a virgin….

BIZARRE LOVE TRIANGLES

2005-10-01T21:41:00.000+08:00

Allow me this simple pleasure to introduce 2 mentally retarded people....Belinda and Carlo. They are in a simple but elegant way to say it...insane! I don't know they even know what their doing most of the time. It's like their just flowing like molasses in a river of sweet, dark, and belgian chocolates. Yes, in other words, their in love. Yeah, old news fox...what this really about....well my friends, since ive been their stubborn lil whiny pet this past 5 months....and ive known both of them for quite sometime....spent days and nights working straight without the privilege of bath or shower...i decided to do them a favor and tell you a tale of this elaborate love affair. They first met by another named Bel. Yes, the legendary Bel DV. Though acquaintances, they both had a inkling of attraction but were both devoted to their respective romance at that time. As time went on, life happened. Both of their relationships were terminated for seperate unknown reasons. Both despaired...both drank that cup of saddness that seems to be in my care lately...its a bittersweet cup...and they had to live the days of the Drama.

Here comes the man without fear, Fox/JABE/JB....Being all lonely and drinking that same cup with them....though i never was in a serious relationship prior but sorta just thought i was....invited them both to study with lil'ol me in a place called STARBUCKS BF. Yes, it was crazy....it was just like how the fairytale books happened...a smile, a glance, a smirk, some laugther, some corny jokes....a brush of hair....a push of the elbow....a accidental touch of skin....hand suddenly under the table...errr....lets not even go there....basically they fell in love instantly. INSTANTLY! Monsters! Mongruls! The shocking arrows of cupid dot strike! Bel later told me, it was around that time they went to tagaytay for lunch to escape a suitor....Caz told me it was that time I/ME/FOX/JABE/JB decided to visit him in the hospital and study with him or bring him comics. Caz said it was nice of Bel to visit...lil shit....hahaha:) Magic just got to them i guess. No, credit was not due to me....they already had that spark....i just provided the place.....there is nothing you can do to stop love. You can't. Better people have tried to run against particular couples because they wish for their love to die...have failed. That's why i always surrender when love is around...you cannot beat that...and why would you want to...with the cruel and dirty things happening around...how can you wake up and look yourself in the mirror knowing your out to ruin something like that....There are those without love...maybe those were meant to be ruined....but the world is full of 6 billion people....infinite number of possibilities....why not just move around and let love flourish.

Ever since that day i guess, i try to annoy them both. Yes and i get annoyed because of them. Maybe i'm jealous of what they have and want to find someone to show them off....or maybe i have nothing better to do...but maybe, just maybe, i care for both of them...maybe their bond sorta got to me like some sorta fascia thats connected to me by a umbilical cord or ligament....maybe i love watching that sick insane kissing they do....those of touching hands or gross hugging.....stolen pecks...and yucky pushes of the elbows....those winking...and hands below the table.....yuck! All i know is, it's fun being with the couple and i enjoy making jokes. And i am happy which is good because i need happy days...to this couple and the next pair of people i bear witness to....CHEERS! :)

DANCING

2005-09-25T20:25:00.000+08:00

There is something very Grave i need to talk to you about.... I hesitate to start now, but the inevitable always comes...and now is as good a time as any. I can't daly any longer...I can't ignore this pressing problem....I hope you came here open-minded...because what i have to tell you is very dire....it is an age old problem that is getting worse and worse as time walks on. I'm afraid, my friend....that I can't DANCE...and it's getting worse.

From my perspective...when i was a kid...i would dance to my hearts delight....never minding anyone who watches how clumsily i land my foot...never minding how my rhythm beats to another song that probably wasn't the one playing at that time....Either way....My dance was what i would like to call "THE DANCE". Hmmm....as years went by....as i was filled with inching aspects of awareness....for myself and the opposite sex....i inchingly developed what i would call...."THE DANCE II". This is kind of dance was preceeded with me imagining 3 steps ahead of what i was gonna do next....where my right foot will be....where my left arm would be....if i'm gonna sway my head to the side.....and like most cellphones lately....i would lose signal and my dance moves would be choppy as my head made plans after plans on what to do next.....My favorite dance by the way...is the "Slow Dance", where no planning is involve and all i gotta do is look straight at those eyes, look charming, and avoid stepping on HER feet.

You might ask, why i have a sudden affinity for this issue whereas the country's problem facing political instability, economic plunge, and a fickle minded Gas prices that they can't seem to decide on. Well, recently, i drove for my mom....being the obedient boy that i was....to this bar called Bykes. It was a classy bar with a lot of Old people and dance instructors who were fairly good. There was even a Senator there dancing like a 20yr old, but best i keep that to myself. Good thing i had my second cousin, Allyson, to keep me company in this dreadful situation. But as i was watching people move....i had flashbacks of the night before when i was in this rented bar party, where most doctors danced to the bit of some groovy and hippity hoppy music. Of course i was half drunk....and when 2-3 pretty ladies asks you to dance....my defenses can only do so much. If they only knew those defenses were placed to protect them from the hoorible sight of me dancing. Anyway, flash forward they probably regretted it....but for some odd reason, they found it cute that i tried....but still regretted it. So i'm back, reeled in that night at Bykes, and suddenly was invited to dance....to be taught how to dance....i said Yes without so much hesitation. Yuck!, you say....but i needed some edge....some foot landing techniques....some charming moves....besides, i was already stuck there, might as well make the best of it and make it educational. So i was thought, somewhat, how to swing....the waltz though was hard....some reggae got to me....I think it's best we keep this particular details to ourselves...might ruin that macho image i'm trying to project. The next day, as i was doing my treadmill at Fitness first, they were showing "Save the last Dance", from which i took some mental-notes-to-self. And now, i "borrowed" that pirated DVD of Shall we dance movie. In all aspects, once my minds makes some goals, i try my best to achieve them. Having the Heart to achieve what you want is very important...to inspire oneself, no matter what your handicap is, is a show of true strength. I guess if i can't teach you how to dance....at least i can show you how having heart can make you a better person....every single day that walks on by...

BAD DAYS

2005-09-24T23:50:00.000+08:00

The lights were glorious...the stage was set. Across a crowded room of 1,500, multiplied by 2 or 3, a loud roar filled the place with signs of laugther and relief. As people turn to each other and congratulate....for the amount of work and sacrifice each one individually gave....my world fell silent. Everything slowed to a crawl...I looked across that crowded room and saw the way that light attached itself to every sigh...every whisper...and every secretly tingling thing people said to each other, making them hush, hush, and blush. What a beautiful sight. But suddenly, a cold, cold one stabbed me in the back...and as my world spiraled down...i thought to myself...All bad days will eventually end...but right now i'm here, stuck with a big one. Maybe its best to tell what has went on of late. I PASSED, thank you. Every single prayer everyone said for me, thank you. I know i can't thank you all or show my gratitude, it's almost impossible due to the number of people...maybe it would be best to let my work be a symbol of that thanks. I have completed my 2 week neuro pre residency, and have no idea of the outcome as of now. I am now certain i would want to go into that field but remain indifferent as to if i get accepted. I guess i just need a break from competing all the time. As you may know, i couldn't resist getting back into the action of treating patients. So i took a single 24hour duty at a small provincial hospital were i resided as the only physician on duty to handle the whole place. It was scary but i somehow manage it with good diligence. That was fun and fullfilling. And today of all days...i just came from my oath taking into the field of medicine. That room of 5500 people, filled witha joyous hymm of success and achievement. So why am i blogging about Bad days? I fail to remember if someone said this to me, or if i read it somewhere.....Or if it is another of those loose thoughts i always have. "Success without company or someone to share it with, is a complete and utter cold blooded murder of happiness everywhere". And thats exactly how i feel. Like someone murdered my happiness. This is as selfish as i can get i guess. Truly, i think to myself, maybe you should stop thinking about yourself and get on with your job. Well, I have done exactly that and have been keeping focus up to now. I expect that i will be doing the same thing tomorrow and the next. But i can't help how i feel...just like admiring someone who dosen't admire you back. I have been in this dilemma way back even as i was reviewing for the boards. People always had someone to go out with and share those laughs whereas I fail to find someone who i can share my laughs with. I have friends, and they mean a lot to me, but they can never be there for me most of the time and its not the same. And before you speculate....it's not even about the "SEX". Nope, i expect i can get that if i truly wanted just that. I just feel lonely even though i have thousands of people around me. Like i'm empty and only a half of a person. I have done a lot of good things of late, only to get my happiness murdered by that same feeling. And "BATMAN and friends" can only do so much to temporarily ease the pain. I pray to God sometimes, that he may lead me to someone who i can click with, work with, and cherish the adventure that i am having. This is screwy entry really, but a necessary one if we are to continue writing. It's the only place i can tell my story(without sounding whinny and gurly). My name is Dr.JOHN BENEDICT ABANO, I'm 25yrs old, who can go anywhere and do anything with my life....and yet i feel sad. Seeing people happy makes me jealous and have to pour extra work just to be preoccupied. This of course wont stop me especially since i find relief and joy in my work...and i do love making people happy and healthy....but i'm hoping happiness is something i can also have some for myself....someday...

BOARD EXAMS

2005-08-29T23:15:00.000+08:00

But I am hoping and Praying I would pass...because it would be nice to get back to work with patients...Because i'm tired...And i miss them...And this is the only thing i want to do...i don't know what else i'm gonna do to pass the time...I need a miracle...

A little story...Part 2

2005-07-28T23:22:00.000+08:00

"And there she was yet again….Back from a lost time yet again....It always starts with a sigh....and ends with inaudible cries. How I wish this string of dreams would end....night after night it starts the same way and ends peculiarly the same. I have the sudden urge to change it...to change tiny little details just so, to the very least, change my dream. I am an idiot though, I am dead to her. I have told myself that single fact for the thousandth time. For that thousandth time I touched her.... that very last time I ever touched her.....it wasn’t her....not anymore.....she was something else....something cold....cold and empty...and different. So I awaken every morning....I admit my faults and carry on....burying everything with books and work....life and people. But every now and then, somewhere between reality and haunting dreams....my heart catches a breeze with her scent in it. The light soft chuckle she puts out, echoing in my head. That taste of her puddle sweat in my tongue. In the darkest hours of the morning I remember her. I didn’t know I’d find her one day. It wasn’t the kind of morning I’d expect to find her in. But then, I had a whole year of nights to practice this day. The sweat was cold in my chest, my throat was a cup of sand, and my heart just started to pound and embarrasses me yet again. But this time, I capture my voice....what passes in this life as a voice. I greet her and ask her how she’s doing. How her work and review were doing. We talked about her immediate fears....never dwelling on concerns about our personal lives. Just like reflex, I try to help her out....with probably useless wisdom and words of encouragement. They all fall flat in her face...she just shrugs them off and smiles....barely. And after minutes...or hours......or days...she needed to leave. I tell myself instantly, “Let her go. Be quiet and learn this time you moron!”...........

I didn’t say a word, not a sound or even a single sigh. I just fell in her shoulders, and crushed my lips upon hers. I hugged her as tight as I possibly can without causing her harm...or discomfort. And with that....her heart skips....her breathing budges.....she flinches........and then she left, but she never looked back. It was a small split second. For reasons I never really understood...I was happy. Not gleefully happy, but like a drop of pure happiness that fell upon me. It was sincere. It was enough. And then there was nothing but my own life again. My own life and people....and more books. The priest was right though. “You must let her go”, he said. It seems she wasn’t haunting me. I was haunting her......And even though our passion and love was a fire that was hot and blistering across every street in history....I was cold. I was left someplace cold again. Then, I take a second to make sure...I collect myself....I lifted myself up....and still continued reviewing for the biggest exam in my life......”

NOT A BLOG....Just some BLAB

2005-07-27T23:19:00.000+08:00

What a Day...Did hundreds of surgical review questions since i'm in the surgery part of my review right now...had dinner with a friend and caught up with the whats what....got a great gift...which i'm a little too shy to open even when i'm already alone...and thought of someone i lost again tonight. I do that every single day. Think we all do. I wonder about the bad things that happened, why they happened, and the people you lost through those experiences. What makes tonight different is, i thought of a different person. Different from the one ive been wondering about for the last year. Thing is, she never got it.It's kinda sad.Life moves on i guess. The world will literally spin by...and everything will pass,as the four seasons are always known for that.You know, people will always....always....always....say things about you. Maybe because there too tired to live there own lives or are envious of some people.I've learned through the hard way to live through both kinds of people.My advice: Just do what you think suites you.The people thats left behind are the ones you can always depend on. This is a very different entry i guess...maybe i just felt like venting or blabbing about useless stuff.....Before i go...i will sing you a SONG. Yep, a SONG. It's a irritatingly addicting filipino song i kinda got hooked on yesterday. Goes something like this....AHEM(2x).......

"Labis na naiinip
Nayayangot sa bawat saglit

Kapag naalala ka
Wala naman akong magawa..

Umuwi ka na baby
'Di na ako sanay ng wala ka
Mahirap ang mag-isa
At sa gabi'y hinahanap-hanap kita

Hanggang kailan ako maghihintay
Na makasama kang muli
Sa buhay kong puno ng paghihirap
At tanging ikaw lang ang
Pumapawi sa mga luha
At naglalagay ng ngiti sa mga labi

'Di mapigilang mag-isip
O baka sa tagal
Mahulog ang loob mo sa iba
Nakakabalisa
Knock on wood wag naman sana

Umuwi ka na baby
'Di na ako sanay ng wala ka
Mahirap ang mag-isa
At sa gabi'y hinahanap-hanap kita

Hanggang kailan ako maghihintay
Na makasama kang muli
Sa buhay kong puno ng paghihirap
At tanging ikaw lang ang
Pumapawi sa mga luha
At naglalagay ng ngiti sa mga labi..

Umuwi ka na baby..
Umuwi ka na baby..
Umuwi ka na baby..."

THE BOY WHO STOOD UP AND ASKED, WHAT IF I DO?........by JB ABANO

2005-07-24T23:17:00.000+08:00

THE BOY WHO STOOD UP AND ASKED,WHAT IF I DO? Cazpic7
By John Benedict Abano, 07/24/05

What if I do?
What am I suppose to do?
What does it all come down to?
Where would it all lead to?
Does it bother you too?

What if I do?
What does that mean to you?
What would you do?
How would you know it’s true?
How would I know it’s true?
Would the world know too?
Will it change you?
Will it change me too?
Will that be alright with you?

Don't wonder, I am confused too...
It’s just too much to chew.
It’s all just tiny little clues.
But all my guts are saying,
What if I do?

A NEW POLICE STORY...a review

2005-07-17T19:13:00.000+08:00

My very First Film Review...Ok, well,.. when i got home today at around 4:30pm, my Dad, being my Dad, told me to take the evening off and go watch a movie. So....... being open to suggestions, i did. I couldn't find anything better to watch, aside from something about a blonde person, and another hewitt cheesy film (i just guessed....)......and a movie about a classic car with the leading actress getting her cup sized digitally reduced due to film critics who were mothers.......so, i decided to take up the new Jackie Chan movie. This is......my good friends... The Jackie Chan!!!... i love this guy...i practically grew up in his films and have fond memories of my grandfather taking me and my big brother to go watch his movies. So great!!!... it's decided. I walked up, got comfortable in my atc cinema chair, and with no expectations whatsoever... waited until the movie started...... and behavely.....and curiously watched until the very end of the movie......paying attention to numerous details and aspects of the film. I think thats what film critics do...watch the whole thing, in it's entirety and then make the review. So generally here it is......I'm just gonna say the first thing that pops in my head........I did not like it. No,.... wait!!! that's not right......It sucked......too strong......it was a big mess......It was a very bug mess....wait...it was really bad....really, really bad. So, my friend Caz, tells me i gotta go way into detail to make my review worth reading.(i wished i just continued reviewing for my boards...) Anyway, Jackie was good. He was old......and truly it showed......but he was good. That much i can tell you. The rest is pretty much downhill. The story was very uninspired. The script and plot......a huge collage of messy vomit that came the morning after a medical drinking party after a very, very, huge exam. The leading lady, who i have no idea who she was,... had bad teeth. This is Jackie Chan!!!, people...This lady might be some famous actress but at least give him a lady with good teeth. The main villian in this film was not convincing at all. He seems to be like some guy who was modelling one day and suddenly decided to try acting, in the movies. These days, everyone just wants to crossover......politicians, models, writers, radio people, doctors.....crossing over is the new "THING" of the century. OK,Ok,OK.......some of you reading now maybe chinese.....who might get easily offended........so i'm gonna give you the chance to transfer to another page...Ok?.......Go!........gone?.......Ok, well don't tell our chinese friends......this movie sucks!!! As in!!! I wanted to walk out...but i also wanted to make this film review. The poor thing in these whole film is...Jackie Chan. He showed terrific acting and poured a lotta work into it......it showed...i actually would blame the writer and the producer...but part of the blame goes to everyone who decided to make the movie...even to me...who spent to see it. I love jackie chan(..in a fan based way), so i hope he redeems himself and make a new movie. To tell you the truth, i kinda liked Rush Hour 1. Besides Jackie Chan, the supporting lady that was the love interest of the sucky supporting actor that played his partner, was actually pretty cute. Yep, if you still wanna see this film.....gather around 20 people and gather some of your hard earned money......and buy the pirated DVD......No, wait!....VCD.....and share it......watch Jackie Chan do some really good work in a very unimagined film...and look out for the beautiful lady i was talking about...I would gladly appreciate it if anyone can get the name of that actress...short haired cop........now, how's that for a film review...

ENTER THE SANDMAN...Neil Gaiman!!!

2005-07-15T20:17:00.000+08:00

3000 People Came...Yes, that's 3000. I became number 62 that day, in a long series of people falling in line, trying to meet this amazing writer. Just who is Neil GAimaN? Neil is popularly known for his SANDMAN series, as well as novels like NEVERWHERE, CORALINE, and The DAy i Swapped My Dad for Two GOld Fish...as well as many more...The way i see it, Neil writes up an unpredictable world...very imaginative and different...Very trite, petite, poetically unstable....his stories so original...sometimes it creeps me out, and at the same time...never fails to astonish and tickle my perceptions...always reminding me to pay close attention to every fine detail and keep an open mind while your at it. I'm sure some of you probably have not read any of his works. I eagerly suggest you to start Coraline or SandMan: Endless Knights...Or The DAy i Swapped My Dad for Two GOld Fish...

Neil was enthusiastic during the whole affair. I originally thought of him as this rude british guy who has punk written all over him...to my suprise he was a very nice guy. He was always trying to satisfy the crowd with him reading some chapters of the current book his writing(the NANCY BOYS). He would read poetry and show some scenes from his new movie:MIRRORMASK. He even walked to the crowd earlier that day to see the line and probably to look at art exhibit dedicated to his work. Neil signed for 708 people that day...each probably had 4 books each. What started out at around 5:30pm...ended at around 1:30am...Later on, he would talk to the fans...maybe draw some pigs or doodle while he signed. (I wished he doodled a little on my book). He would occasionally ask die hard fans if they needed a hug...I, of course did not get such an offer...he even asked that pregnant and people with kids to go first in line. In the end, I think neil appreciates that his success was also partly due to people who loved his work. The ones that supported him. His Fans...I think that appreciation is something that is lost in a lot of artists in all different kinds of medium. Even Politicians. They don't appreciate that all that they have achieved would never be possible if not for the people who believed in them...and thats why its important not to get lost in ourselves and always keep in mind that we are never alone in this world and probably wouldn't survive without each other...After a while, i thought to myself: "Golly gee, Neil is a nice guy afterall..."

THE DAY WE FORGOT TO PAY FOR OUR COFFEE...we baristas man!

2005-07-12T19:11:00.000+08:00

THIS IS THE STORY...of the day we forgot to pay for our coffee. Just kidding. It's just that i got this friend, called Caz or Nuts or Conio Crazy, who for unknown reasons, in the middle of reviewing biochemistry(yet again..), decided to walk up to the barista of our local favorite coffee shop, and ask if we can look like them and take shots. Of course, a dozen other people in that place probably has fluctuating opinions of our sanity right now, but who can argue to the fact that, we would probably do well as baristas, or at least look pretty good doing that part...Thanks SBUKS!!!

FOX...by a fox

2005-07-05T14:10:00.000+08:00

"FOX" by JB Abano

I am a watcher, a describer of sorts;

who has a thousand ideas of absolutely nothing.

With my little brown eyes...I shift swiftly,..only to move slowly. To capture every breath and every detail life gives me.

And thus,i capture them all. All the tiny little sounds...All the fluttering fleeting movements...All that scattered wasted emotions...just hanging, in this rusty dew air.

It all comes so vivid and so real...So strange, yet so natural. It's almost astonishing. It's almost cruel..

BLUE...that time of the year

2005-07-05T02:08:00.000+08:00

BLUE. Exactly how i feel. There's always this time in the year, every single year, were things seems so blue. I'm not talking about pastel colors though, but the jazzy type of blue...in feeling blue. Must be the season or must be the weather. It's like your stuck in the spot that you can't even wiggle out of. I would like to adopt something i read before..."Things will always get really, really, really bad before they became good". And it's not even gonna be really, really good, because the next bad is probably around the corner somewhere. Good follows bad. It is kinda amazing. Recently things haven't been going well. And i think i might be helping it get worse in every step i take. There are somethings you knew was wrong, months before, but you just actually find out. Dosen't help when people move on without you also. Like shedding an old tire. It would seem the world has a funny sense of humor. Stress from the review is quickly creeping in. It all piles up on you, and theres nothing you can do. Having people help might actually make things worse. When you lose someone, the first thing people would always say is, "Move on...Don't dwell on the past...it's for the best". That makes me smile sometimes. Like I would ever wanna forget the special people in my life. The way they looked and felt, just being with. But you know what, a new cycle is probably waiting for me to start. Maybe around the corner. Gonna meet new people, gonna be placed in the most absurd positions, and probably gonna wrestle with out-of-proportion situations. That's just me. I just hope the next good thing that comes is something i can hold on to,...longer. But until then...i just hate being in between phases of my life...This place where there is no meaning in anything that you do...I just hate feeling blue...

STARBUCKS...the review sessions

2005-07-05T01:53:00.000+08:00

STARBUCKS...has lately been my haven along with 2 other people, for the last 2-3 weeks. Probably around the size of 2 classrooms, the good people of BF Starbucks has welcomed me and my compadres to the sweet hospitality that they offer. Armed mostly by AFFROGATOS and CARAMEL FRAPPIES, we decide to undergo a series of tortures in reviewing for the medical board exams. When asked, CAZ THE TAZ, stated..."I wish they played the "SPAGHETTI SONG" more often. BEL THE DANCEL would often be found on top of her seat with acrobatic positions as she tried to conquer the book of papers that she has been lugging around. Fox (me) would often stare at his book wishing laser beams would shoot out and burn them and the silly people behind him making sqeaky noises. These three, restless adventurers tackle what they believe to be the biggest exam of their lives. And at least for the time being, my jokes are being heard in this haven...

KIM...My Dentist Friend

2005-07-04T16:07:00.000+08:00

KIM. Well i've decided that i should write more about people that i know and that have affected me the most in the past year. So the next few post are gonna be people pieces...and i wanted to start with kim.I met kimoy a year ago during my first PGH duty on my first day as an intern. It all started out with me, finding how amusing she and her partner was when they spent the whole 24 hours with 2 patients! Yes, TWO. Yep, thats the first time i saw her. The next was in the canteen where i finally met her a month later. I'm gonna say this once...Kim became my friend at the right time and the right place. These were pretty disturbing times for me...i was lost, uninspired, depress, and indifferent to the world. To sum it all up, kim saved my life. Just as i thought i knew everything in life (which is how most of us feel,most of the time), kim showed me that it is never enough. It is never enough to be satisfied with one thing, that we have to continue to explore and do better...That the world is somewhat bigger than most of us percieve it to be. Yes, kim saved me. Who watches the watcher? Who heals the healer? Who makes the cheerful more cheerful? Kim does. She makes me laugh. She makes my heart go on vacation. And she pretty much irritates me enough for me to move on and do what i have to. Besides the fact that she beautiful, smart, very talented, and makes sounds so bubbly, that it just captures your imagination...I am grateful i met her and that for all the flaws and trouble i have been, she has decided to remain as my friend til maybe the next time usher goes back in manila...that or nicolas cage...that or maybe when they make a HELLO KITTY movie...

TRUST NO ONE...a sorta preaching

2005-07-04T15:01:00.000+08:00

"TRUST NO ONE...", I came across a short story the other day. It started with the regular "One fine Day...", and ended in a horrible tragedy of death. It was a relationship story. Like every other relationship stories, it is full of betrayal, frustrations, twists, and anger. Lies and deceit. You must imagine how saddening this sort of literature is. I often wonder what would make an author write such cutting emotions. Everyone has the capacity to do good and evil, all at the same time. You must understand that sometimes even the best intentions can pave the road to hell. If this two aspects of us are basic and well known, what makes a person deceive people in other to capture attention? What goes on in the mind of this individuals who decide to hide their true selves? Before you answer that, do you know what a personality is? An identity? Identity is the role we play that can either be bad or good, or both at the same time. Everyone has a certain individual balance. Meaning, everyone mixes their own ingredients and comes up with a certain identity that has their own capacity for good and evil. Now, this traits are shown to the people around and affect how we interact with them. People who cannot balance themselves, show only their good traits and hide their devious selves. and Vice-versa. They could not stand themselves and therefore deceive people in order to capture their attention. Your thinking..."FOX probably lost his marbles...what kinda books is he reading?...Whats the next webpage am i gonna go to?"... Well, the point is in order to have better relationships, we should accept people for both their aspects,..the point is if we could not accept both aspects, then we should interact with the rest of the 6 billion people left in this world to whom we can accept better,..the point is, unless we be honest to ourselves and to the people around, we can never strike a balance and we will never be happy,..the point is, until then, trust no one...

A little story...

2005-06-14T23:29:00.000+08:00

"And there she was...Back from a lost time...she walks graciously and confidently around like she owns the land. Shes is beautiful. She's meticulously fixing something or packing. She ignores me at first, but then again, everybody does. I noticed the fleeting light, like everything is in monotone or monochrome or what some people might percieve cloudy gray day. At first i am speechless and then i notice I can't seem to utter a sound. I try and try to scream or to talk, but all of it is lost, Washed by the wind.I think i started to cry.Just a tear of infinite saddness in my eye. but then I look at her, carefully. curiously. She is beautiful...Her breathing is so controlled, you would think she was asleep. Her heartbeat dosen't even flinch. My heart on the other hand, pounds...it betrays and embarasses me. You would think at this point in our non-existent relationship i wouldn't care.but...I think she's going away. She has lifted her things and she is going away.Why is everyone going away? I asked myself. But then just like that i can speak. i began to utter what passes for a voice in this place. I began to tell her about the problems i had been having, all the crap i have been trying to achieve, and the people who were trying there best to see me fail. I plead her sympathy, her pity. Like a desperate babe, i implore her help. All the while i think to my self, "Be quiet! Stop embarrasing yourself! She is not your friend! Why won't you shut up?! She is not your priest!" but then i continue on, blabbering about the little insignificant intricacies of my life. how small i felt. How tiny have my world become. Then, as she walks away i tell myself, "Don't do it. Don't Embarass yourself again. Let it go. Let her go. Hold it in. Your friends would laugh at you. Your family would laugh at you. Don't you do it! Don't! Aaand...you did it."..I told her i loved her and wished we i never got out of bed. That i never unwrapped my arms around her. Her heart dosen't skip, not a single beat. Her breathing dosen't even budge. She dosen't look back. She walks away,...washed by the wind from my senses. "I deserved that you know. Idiot." And just like that i am drowning in tears. Mighty is this flood that i have fallen to. When suddenly i opened my eyes. Something glittered and shined. It was a bright light from my window. It was just a dream, just an old ghost. Then i take a second to make sure, i collect myself...i lifted myself up and continued reviewing for the boards...

"SUPERMAN:SECRET IDENTITY" a stolen idea

2005-06-09T20:27:00.000+08:00

THIS WAS MY IDEA! Yeah, you heard me, this was my story.I can't believe someone wrote it.Kinda feels like that movie with johnny depp, "Secret Window". When I was in college, i wrote one chapter and a plot. It was about a boy who has a wild imagination, so vivd that he can see things happening in every situation. Kinda like Ally Mcbeal or Scrubs. So anyway, its about that kid who imagines he can do stuff and saves the day. Different scenarios, different powers and such. Then one day, he thinks he imagining things and suddenly realizes his doing it for real. This was suppose to be set in the real world. Sorta how we would react if something like this finally comes to life. It gets really twisted when the dilemma on whether or not its real or if he's Schizophrenic. Well, Anyway, a certain Kurt Busiek had the same story. But its about a farm boy named, "Clark Kent". All his life people make fun of him because of the similar name to Superman:the comic. Yeah, he gets his ass kicked a lot and his piss.He has issues like we do in the real world. Although he dosen't imagine it(like in my book), he suddenly began doing stuff only superman can. What follows next is an AMAZING TALE. I kid you not, this is the ultimate Superman Book, that coming from a BATMAN fan by the way.I know, i built up the last book, but that was an Honest book. This book is a genius. It's simply Brilliant. And its practically the same idea that i have. Oh crap. Anyway, i'll probably try to finish my story someday.If you love good books or even a great story, but isnt a comic fan, Pick this book up at any Powerbooks, Fully Booked, or comic shop. I'll refund your money if you don't like it. That is if you can still find the book.Thats just how good this book was for me.

SUPERMAN: For All Seasons

2005-06-09T19:26:00.000+08:00

Hey,I think it's a Bird. I was walking the other day, with a gift certificate for powerbooks given as a gift.Being a comic collector i wanted to get something special.Something uplifting and inspiring.And in the most recent days,it was just so depressing with what was happening around.Comic reading is my release from this plane.All my troubles are drowned when i get lost in this timeless tales of adventure. "Superman:For All Seasons" is one of the most honest book i have ever read in a long time. It was sincere and heartfelt. In this book it explores basic fundamentals of Ka-el or Clark Kent. His Smallville days, his first metropolis adventure, His first defeat, and the first time he showed his never ending spirit..hence, four seasons, or for sll seasons. What separates this book from the rest is that eventhough this story has been told gazillions of times, it was never narrated with such powerful honesty.Me, being a dark, gritty kinda guy, who loves Batman, saw this book as an inspiring piece. So inspiring that it inspired the TV series, SMallville. Yup, this was where they got the concept.I hope you get to read this book or even just scan it next time you drop by powerbooks or any comic shops.I actually was just gonna scan it in Powerbooks but ended up staying for an hour reading it twice, then finally buying it. Even without the smiling registar lady, this book is well worth the price.

WELCOME TO MY PIECE

2005-06-08T23:25:00.000+08:00

Blogging ain't easy. Welcome to my life thats a little less ordinary and probably a little more funny. I'm blogging just so i can share a lot of misadventures and situations that you don't mostly see everyday. I'm currently in the pharma part of my review and was thinking i needed to talk to someone. As pathetic as it may be, the only people i get to talk to are the people getting my order at the starbucks coffee shop in Madrigal. As soon as i get in, there's a "May i take your order, sir?". Now, i am always set back by this question and always try to think about it while the person in front of me smiles. I would just stare up in the menu, symphatetic to the person behind the counter because they would have to hold that smile until i order.Its amazing, you should try it, that smile can go forever. Anyway, i try to be quick about it and order. Thats as far as any of my social contacts go these days. So now i'm in my laptop having a conversation with 300 people or so,online. And they don't even know about it. Yup, by the time you have read this, we have been talking and you just didn't know it. Now, how fun is that? We can be married and you still wouldn't know it. Ahhhh...thats crazy.Well, life is less ordinary this days, mostly boring. I'm reviewing like hell for the MED boards and having second thoughts of taking it.But i wll, but i'm just saying i'm thinking of quitting.It's scary really.I'm the one your gonna go to in the future,and that is scary.Only consolation is, there gazillions of doctors out there..like comic superheroes, you get so tangled up with secret origins,dreaded twists, and continuity problems.Yup i love comic books. The way to my heart is through this books and maybe a good massage.I use to date this lady in college she knew all this.Was suppose to end up with her but things went way off my plans,she ended up in the arms of a supporting cast,and my life went haywirre for 2 years. Yep,it's been like one hell of a comic adventure from that point until today.So maybe its not a total lost.I still wonder about those plans everyday but get to see what i have achieved in its stead.So,i'm still deciding if i should write my secret adventures.I don't know.Will try to talk about more relevant stuff next time. This is just our "meeting" up talk.This is where i take you phone number, and complement how funny you are.In truth,i find almost everyone funny.Well, best of luck,will probably meet you at starbucks again next time.I love the Banana Cream pie..you should try it.Until then,Ciao!