a life less ordinary

You have been working in the same hospital…with the same people for an unknown period of time. You do not care. For a time, nothing meant anything anymore You do not care. It just started not to matter for a really long time. You are disgusted by the outside world as much as the people that you help. Full of desperate aind needy people…the only difference is…people outside hide them better. There is no place for you out there. Except beside the warm body that cuddles you at night after a long shift is over.

Its madness really. But you do not care. You like it that way. So it was the same when she was born. She was a slimy 6.6lbs…with a physiologic physique. A baby. You held your breath just the same. You waited for the cry…and carried her body across the room just the same. It was 2am…and you really wanted to sneak sleep for a few minutes. Sleeping helps pass the time. Makes things go faster. She was suppose to sleep after you did your thing. But irritatingly, she didn’t. She opened her eyes and you were alarmed by something unusual. At first your senses were dazed. At first you held your breath again. She had the most beautiful eyes you have ever seen in this life. She started to smile…and for some unknown reason, looked around, as if curious of the rotting walls of the room…she said “hello”. You look around, but most of the staff were on their own sneaky corners…sleeping for a sneaky 5-10mins before another one gets delivered. You looked at her, wearily almost jumpy…and said to yourself…I am in trouble. The little baby asked, “why is that?”. You replied, “I think I just lost my mind. Would you help me find it?” The baby laughed. How can a baby laugh? You ask yourself. She laughed and giggled to your sarcastic little remarks. You indulged her a bit…talked a bit. Sometimes, insanity is an entertaining thing you tell yourself. I will take a pill for it later. Anyway, you both go on and on about what the world is like. You, of course talked about what mattered to you. Music books, hospital drama. And then she stops and asked, “You don’t look happy?” “Are you kidding? I am happy, I like what I am doing, better to let the world rot while we constantly try to clean up the mess” “Your funny” she says. Tired and bored with the direction of the story I tell her to sleep, like the rest of the babies beside her. She says, “I will in a minute but I wanted to ask you why you like being unhappy? Why is misery so attractive to you” I tell her its not. That I wanted to help people, there was nothing I wanted to do rather than this. Life is full of pain and misery…I just learned to accept it and live with it. She looked at me angrily with her big brown eyes and said, “Are you on crack? I did not get born just to enjoy misery” You then argue “…then you should not have gone and be born…this world...this life...its all about that little good thing preceeded by a ridiculously huge amount of bad things. It is pain that tucks you in bed almost every night…It is pain that helps us wake up and move forward” She begins to cry…and then...you suddenly feel like the biggest idiot.

You vigorously apologize to her and say that there are small things that do make it worthwhile for you. One of which was seeing someone as beautiful as her. For the rest of your life, people you meet along the way shall never see the beauty that you saw that night…in that filthy little place. You tell her you felt sorry for the rest of the world. She begins to sob slowly and then stops crying altogether. She says “John, I think your beautiful too. I am mystified by you…I am curious, elated, and very excited to hear your stories. I think your beautiful and a good enough reason to live. I am in awe and can never imagine meeting anyone like you”. Then it comes…That sudden chill from your spine…the dumbest, simplest, warmnest feeling in your heart. You fear feeling warm…you hate feeling anything…You are mortified by the truth. You feel your iron walls melting like butter. You began to realize this baby does not know how much she has suddenly made you feel…vulnerable again. You begin to hate her because you suddenly feel happy with her. And that is that. She smiles for a long time…you take a picture together…A look in her eyes says she is happy…and there is no place she would rather be at this time than be with you. She falls asleep moments after. You close your eyes a bit and everything was back to normal. Your eyes were a few seconds away from shedding a tear. You never were comfortable having tears…You almost forgot how salty they can be. Then suddenly you hear shouting and the clanking metal rolling towards the delivery room. Your eyes open, you put on your mask…and automatically move in gear towards the incoming patient…secretly holding your breath. Still with the same passion…still with the same resolve…Secretly an inch happier. Sneakingly holding on to a tad more hope...